Roller coaster #2.


Nowadays, the more that happens in my life, the less I say on my blog.

I had made a decision a few weeks ago, which I alluded to.

I wanted to stop longing for things I didn’t have, to instead take ownership of my life. To be content. To find joy in the simple things and to rejoice in what I do have.

To take notice of them.

To spend more time holding on to what matters, and letting go of what brings me down. I had given the internet dating a break, shut up shop.

And all of a sudden, great things have been happening, or perhaps they were always happening, but I have just been taking a bit more notice of them, increased their value.

My crazy Auntie June has been in hospital, in Granny Jail. She is demented. She has no family of her own. My sister has seen her decline recently, her memory failing. She has been taking care of Auntie, taking charge, and I have been driving my sister around to visit her.

It has bought my sister and I closer together. It is lovely, really nice to see the best in each other. We have spent some lovely times together, including some of her birthday celebrations.

My mum arranged a dinner for her and the family at Longrain – I was so proud of my mum for picking it and driving into the city. She has always been too anxious to drive inner-city, but she dealt with it recently. A thoroughly enjoyable night.

I have been approaching my studies with enthusiasm. I have entered a public speaking competition, 3 minute Thesis. And duly got Laryngitis. Sigh.

I have booked a trip to Cuba.

I have been seeing lots of my friends.

My romantic life, which I had written off as being a disaster zone put on the backburner for a while, has just become a little more interesting.

Experience has told me that I can’t rely on such things. That I mustn’t get my hopes up et cetera.

I don’t want to be cynical though. I want to enjoy it. I get so frightened that it will all be ripped away from me too early, without much in the way of warning.

It’s happened before, it has been my experience. Natural to be frightened.

For the first time, I have been able to express this fear. To put a name to the anxiety, and to say it out loud. I have become good at doing this.

Even though it doesn’t make the thing I fear any more or less likely to materialise, it certainly helps take its power away, so I can enjoy the moment more freely.

Rather than lowering my expectations, as I have been advised to do, I am concentrating on keeping my own house in order.

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