Owning it, episode 1. My body.

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My new life.

I have had a week of feeling a bit down in the dumps. Feeling sad and sorry for myself. It’s all necessary feelings, but it has to stop.

It has to stop now. This weekend.

New beginnings. It’s symbolic, the house is cleared, divorce papers signed. The things that tied me to Ian are gone now. It’s a hard thing to face, but necessary. Inevitable.

I have piles and piles of stuff from the old house that I will be going through this weekend, and perhaps chucking out. There is no room for it at my new place. That’s mostly what I will be doing over the weekend

Don’t have to take a great step to see the metaphor.

One of the things I have been thinking about over the past week is my body.

Or, more specifically, the way parts of it have started to bulge over jeans and stockings. The firmness in my legs from marathon training, gone a bit soft. My body image was at its best when I was doing the marathon, I was fit.

I know what I’ve done.

It’s called having a social life. Embracing it. Eating out. Drinking out. Drinking some more. (The alcohol is a killer).

A little comfort eating. Not too much. A little. More of it scoffing when intoxicated.

I have put on about 5kg in the past year, a little of it with marathon training, most of it recently. I probably used the marathon training as a bit of an excuse to eat what I wanted, truth be told.

The other harsh fact of the matter is that I am dating. People judge based on appearance. Nobody likes a muffin top. I don’t.

I have put that photo of me as a marathon finisher up as my facebook profile pic, as a salient and constant reminder to myself that I can do whatever the hell I want, if I put my mind to it.

I have had a think about ways that I can go about losing the excess mass. This is a bit of a scary thing, having spent a lot of my adult life obsessing about food and diets and grappling with some binge eating issues. I will keep my lovely therapist abreast of what I plan to do.

It will start this weekend. I am coming up with a firmer goal, and will share it. I have learned that I respond well to concrete deadlines, and benefit from structure.

I really need to get back into the exercise. I have been moping too long over my sore back. I am off to the sports doc.

I have been moping about my acne, and have made an appointment with a dermatologist.

Why accept anything less than the best self that I can be? Inside, outside.

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