I think I had alluded to feeling ratty of an evening.
Specifically – checking phone/email incessantly. Just feeling restless. Nobody in the house to talk to…
It even seeped into time I was out with people.
At its worst, I just felt ill at ease everywhere.
I just put a name to it….”why won’t people acknowledge me? Why do I feel so alone?”
ahhhhh. That old chestnut…..people (usually never out of long term relationships) say “you have to be content on your own…”
It shat me.
How did you do that? Was there a magic trick?
I felt frustrated with myself. Weak. Needy. I don’t like feeling like that.
So I had a chat with the therapist about it. I was hoping she would come up with aforementioned magic trick.
She just paraphrased everything I said….and added, yes, it’s unpleasant, this loneliness, and you struggle a bit with it…
We talked about how I used to hide it….with overeating, shopping. A bit of facebooking. Now I don’t have that anymore, and I just have to rely on my own resources, which seem a bit pitiful at times.
I thought, yes, yes it is hard. It is a bit of a struggle. It isn’t pleasant…..this made me feel a bit more normal. A bit less needy and weak.
I thought about how I used to have every night booked out, how I was anxious to spend an evening alone….now I’m not, but the ratty feeling still remains.
I looked up on google “how to be content on your own”, like a good little nerd. Excellent. I was doing all of those things.
I got my bed delivered today. I stared at it, and thought “how the fuck am I going to put this together…..fuck……I’d love somebody to help me”…I asked a couple of people, they couldn’t help. I just looked at the bed and felt overwhelmed and started to cry.
I did the usual cry and stumble around the house, then I phoned a good friend (trick #1 – holding on to what’s real). I told her about the bed. My fears. Feeling lonely. Doubts as to whether what I had done a year ago was right. It helped.
I had a bit more of a think after the phone call. I thought about what I could do, who I could call, how would I soothe myself?
I didn’t want to call anybody. I just wanted to be on my own. Read my book. Have a hot chocolate. That was what I wanted.
Ahhhhhhhhh. There it is, there. Not doing so bad after all.
There really isn’t any magic trick. No real “yep, now I’m happy” moment. All of the platitudes about “you must feel good in yourself” will do diddly if they do not make emotional sense. All of the awesome stuff I do helps, and I sure feel Kickass McAwesome some days. But it is impossible to feel like that all the time.
But some days are shit. And that’s when the little comforts help, but other than that, I just have to go with the ratty, shitty feeling, and remind myself that I am not doing that badly after all.
The other thing I struggle with a bit is feeling like I have nobody to share things with. The things in my day. The things I did….it feels almost as if they didn’t really exist or lacked lustre because they weren’t shared.
Well I just have to remind myself that that is not true, and take joy in what I did. Learn to pat myself on the back.
I need to really enjoy the times I have company….to make it count, to make it matter. To be mindful of that company and not distract myself with who else should be calling/getting in contact. Holding on to what’s real – what is there now.