I’m doing OK (my therapist said)

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Thankyou for your lovely, lovely comments on my last couple of blogs.

I’ve had a few days off. I am now feeling a bit more in control of things. I have gone easy on myself.

I am very lucky to have a very, very good therapist, and lucky enough to have the money to pay her.

Part of the frustration of the last week was:

“Shit, man, I have worked so hard and I just feel like I am back at square one.”

She gently reminded me that, no, I have come far in myself. It is a process, of essentially blazing my own trail, of figuring out who I am and what I want to be, and the type of relationship I would like to be in.

Those times where I just stop what I am doing, shudder, and face palm, that is all the events of the year coming up and hitting me, and I just need to remember to breathe.

Beginning of last year, I had an almighty bout of depression. I started my consultant job and PhD regardless. Then a lot happened during last year.

I have had to actively fight off being depressed as well as trying to keep on top of the other things I do. Somebody said I was walking a tightrope, and that is absolutely true. Mostly, it has been successful. In the face of some externalities, it has not been. Like now.

I am better than I was last week. Next week will be better still.

Those things that people remind me about myself, about my qualities. They have lodged in my head, but have not quite gotten to heart yet. They are getting there.

A big monkey on my back is the PhD. Last night, I was thinking that, in some ways, I would be better off if I didn’t do it, less stress, more money. That lustre at the beginning has worn off. I am told that is normal, to have a love hate relationship with it. And the only thing that is keeping me in it is the faith of my supervisor, who has attained father-figure like status in my mind. I won’t quit. It is not in me to quit.

It is not in me to quit. The marathon taught me that.

A few little things to try and do:

  • get to bed by 11pm on a school night
  • be up by 7am
  • keep the internet interactions to outside school hours.
  • Make lists. Review them
  • Diarise things, make alarms.
  • Keep the exercise up
  • Do arty stuff.
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