Whoa, 2011, time to step off.

The hardest year of my life.

But also

The most rewarding year of my life.

The most enlightening year of my life.

I dreaded the end of 2011 – was dreading Christmas and New Year celebrations outside the comfort of a long term relationship, with familial strains. Also, it was a time when reflection would be required. Just to put it all down to a crap year and run as far away from it as I can.

I got to thinking about what I have achieved this year.

Gotten better from another jolly bout of depression.
Commenced my first year as a boss. Dealt with a fairly significant stressor (in the form of a patient complaint). Got another session in a clinic.
Started my PhD, got stuff done on it – applied for funding, obtained some funding, done ethics approval, sorted logistics, wrote papers, went overseas and presented one, attended international investigator meetings, got my first paper published. In doing so, I have met a wonderful group of people and have inspiring supervisors. Like a new family.
Travelled overseas thrice.
Gotten over my fear of training for a marathon and started training for a marathon. Inspired to do it by (ex-) mother in law telling me that I could not do a marathon.
Overcome binge-eating disorder (milder form, but still) and linked my mood with my food.

And, and, and…. the 13 year relationship with my husband ended.

What a roller coaster that was.

From having the increasing alarm bells about the state of the relationship, fear and dread about our future. Feeling hopeless
Getting up the head of steam to do something about it, mostly fuelled by anger and fear (it was not the most productive way, but still)
Dealt with the fallout from my own family – they were initially actively unsupportive. Stuck to my guns.
Dealt the fallout from the family “in-law”
Dealt with the fallout from my husband
Discussed legal/living arrangements
Moved out of my home
Negotiated other relationships. Making rookie mistakes and paying the price for them.

It has been harrowing. Anger, fear, guilt, shame, loneliness, all of these. These have, at times, been overwhelming. I have spent so much time at the edge, or down the bottom of a hole. I have lost faith in myself and wondered when I would get it back. I have had my very sanity questioned (having a history of depression causes people to question your motivation). At times, I did not see how anything could get better. Every little demon I has come out and danced.

Each time I have found a bit of power to bounce myself back out of the hole. Sometimes with vigour. Sometimes not. Mostly by myself. Sometimes with the help of my friends. I spent thousands of dollars in therapy.

There have been happy times too – I have learned to really enjoy the little things, find comfort in these.

I have made many new friends, and kept most of my old ones.

Sometimes, I feel strong, hopeful about the future. It is increasing.

This new year, this is what I aim for:

eat more food at home – I have been a bit cheeky and eaten out a lot
cut back on the alcohol – there has been quite a bit of wading/drowning of sorrows in it. This must stop.
Continue training for the marathon consistently – I have made this one easy on myself, am in a training group. Tick
build bridges with my family.
to keep eating aligned with hunger 9have been doing a bit of comfort eating in the last month or so)

Most of all, though:

Continuing to go badass on my inner bully, bust a cap on it (sorry, love ghetto speak)
To become comfortable in my own company
To not take things personally (if people act shabbily, it is them, not me)
To not let fear stop me
To be kind to myself, particularly when feeling sad (mostly, in acknowledging difficult emotions)
To build relationships with the people who matter
To pay no mind to the people who don’t (esp in the dating world, to which I am a new citizen)
To always appreciate that I am loved (and not get into the “nobody loves me” torpor)
To remind myself that I am worthy and deserving (so I don’t put up with stuff that makes me miserable)
To do the things that I want to do, and say no when I don’t want to (within reason, of course)
to revel in the little things.
to treat life as an adventure