Musings of my mojo.

A letter to me from my mojo.

Dear Sassy,

Thankyou, thankyou for starting to look after me. Finally. It took you a while, but you are getting there.

I feel big and strong and robust, an increasing amount of the time. You have flexed my muscles, and fed me well. Continue this.

The alcohol though – that feeling of mojo – that is not me. That is the fake me. Just remember that.

Sassy, I know you have been feeling down, a bit unloved at times, just in need of a big, fat cuddle and a stroke of the cheeks. These will come. They may even come and go. That’s fine, you will cope. You need to remember, always, you still have me. Me. And Sassy, for the millionth time, you are loved.

So keep looking after me. I will look after you. Make me bigger and stronger, and you will be happy you did.

Here is how you can look after me:

• Keep on running. You are doing so well with that. Don’t worry that you are slower than most other people. You are getting faster and stronger.
• Feed your body well.
• Don’t worry about what other people are doing/thinking. They will think what they will. They will do what they will, feel what they will. You can only control your actions, thoughts, feelings.
• Let them come to you. They will, don’t worry. They already are.
• You have made mistakes. That’s normal. Learn from them. Forgive yourself.
• You have been hurt, let down, had your hopes dashed, and, NO, for crying out loud, you did not deserve for them to happen. They happen, ok? Have faith that things will not continue to be this way. Mostly, remember, You and I, we are worthy, of everything we desire. Things may not turn out as planned, but they will turn out as they are meant to.
• That stuff you are doing with your hair, makeup, clothing – keep doing that. You are looking good. Tell yourself that, often. That makes me happy.
• Keep using the body butter. Moisturise. Glow from within, glow from without.
• Smile. You look lovely when you do that.
• Cry when you must. It gives me the bath I need. Don’t hold it in too much, that deflates me.
• You, and me – we are saucy minxes. Saucy MINXES. Boom chicka wah wah.
• Concentrate on what you and I want and need. The muppet movie this weekend, we NEED that. Keep up that. You keep pushing us out of our comfort zone. We still need comfort, ok? You know what to do.

Thankyou, thankyou for buying me a mojo medal. We needed that.

 

My love, Sassy,

Your Mojo xxxx

London Marathon Training Week 7. Breaking through.

I am getting better.

It is getting easier.

The horrible ache in my back and tightness in my hips that I had in the first few weeks of training has dissipated. My body has started to adjust to the loads of training. I am feeling stronger and fitter.

What an excellent, excellent feeling.

Skipped training on Monday – had some ankle pain, but made it up next morning with some hill repeats plus a slow jog. Wednesday – 4 km time trial. I just did my best and ran as fast as I thought I could sustain for 4km. I finished up in 25:21, a PB!

Today, I followed it up with a run with a friend, 2 laps around the tan. I felt really strong, with no remnants of the weeks training.

I have spent the arvo at various pubs in Northcote, listening to JJJ hottest 100. I am a huge fan of JJJ. I am also a huge fan of Gotye, he is awesome, and his song, Somebody that I used to know, won! The definitive breakup song! Love his album, Making Mirrors.

A full day at work, followed by a huuuge weekend.

No need to take myself on a date, either, will have the company of other persons! Woot!

oooh, and I am officially in the London Marathon. Woot again!

20.something km run. Plus attitude re-alignment.

The long runs aren’t scaring me anymore, not like they used to. I am in a bit of a routine with them.

Today, the SS group met in Hawthorn, on the banks of the yarra. My LR was 22km.

My energy pack – water, jelly beans.

before – lost my garmin. It has disowned me.

The beginning – very sweaty, a bit tight in the hips. I thought “this is gonna be interesting”. I kept on.

After the beginning, I thought: “hey, I need to stop being so hard on myself”.

In the middle – I got a bit off track, and headed off down the CCT rather than the merri creek trail.

Toward the end – it got hot, but I finished strong. Lovely to get a text message from a friend, telling me how proud of me they were!

right throughout: fecking hills. Not really a good stretch of flat to be had.

Pace: 7:30, even including walking breaks. 15 sec per km faster than the last 20km run.

After the run – had a bit of a cry. A few things happening. Just needed to let it all out.

Then I went into the city to see the fabulous Phil and her hubby Tom, visiting from the UK. Always a pleasure to see my girl.

Before I went, I was picking something to wear.

I realised – I am having a fat bum day!

How the fecking hell can I have a fat bum day when I have been for a 22km run! It’s insane!

Crikey.

So next time I need to wear the little wiggle dress and say to the world “here is my curvy bum!” Loudnproud.

Oooh, and the other thing – I realised I had no plans for next Saturday night. This made me really anxious, being at home alone on a Saturday night. Honest injun!

So I thought, fuckit, I am taking myself on a date. I will go to the art gallery, then see an early movie, then have an early dinner then early to bed. Owning my singledom. Hells yeah.

Comfort.

I have a confession to make.

I have been comfort eating a bit more recently.

Cake here, biscuits there, chips, grog……It is all coming in, insidiously.

It does not help that my housemate keeps contraband in the house, but now she is on a bit of a health kick….

Last night, I was tired after a busy week. I could have gone out, but didn’t have the energy. However, I didn’t want to go home to an empty house. All my friends were otherwise occupied. So, what would I fall slave to? My loneliness, or my tiredness. It was the latter.

Why was I anxious about being at home alone? Nothing to take the edge off. I have plenty of stuff to do, most of it house-cleany stuff. Was too tired. I knew what I needed – a cuddle, some company, on the couch- but none of that was forthcoming.

So what did I do? Went and bought a bottle of wine.

Drank half of it on the couch, while watching “it’s a knockout”. Tipped the other half out. Got into my housemate’s tube of Pringles. Ate 2/3 of that. Tipped the rest out into the bin.

I have not done that in a while, but I see old patterns returning. I feel, sometimes, I need something – comfort – and turn to food and grog for it. Though the irony is that they are ultimately not particularly comforting.

I spend a lot of time outside of my comfort zone, so of course I need comforting, lots of it, probably.

Finding new things I can do alone, that don’t take much effort – that’s what I need to do. I have gotten better at it, but it is a work in progress.

These are a few of my favourite things:

-smearing rich moisturiser on my arms and legs – cocoa body butter is great.

-reading good books (anyone have any they like?)

-listening to Gotye. He is my first music dream boat since John Farnham, circa 1989.

-Washing my hair and styling it with serum and a hair straightener.

-surfing the ‘net (though that is probably a bit of FOMO – fear of missing out)

Here are some more things I can do:

-watch DVDs: the old chestnut sex and the city, the big bang theory, anyone suggest others?

-Phone a friend

-Get out the hair curlers

-Paint toenails (though distance running is a great way to ruin pedicures)

-Go to the pool, just to float about, or sit in the spa.

-Run a bath.

 

Marathon training, Week 6. Plus the Manifesto of a Lady not in a Committed Relationship

Marathon Training:

Monday – strength and running and hills: felt tired, as I am wont to do the day after a long run. Still, I played the little “will I go to training or not naaahhhh I’ll go” game in my head and went to training.

Tuesday – rest

Wednesday- 5x800metres with 1 minute (2??) Jog (curse/walk)  recovery. My previous time was 5:08. That was one week ago. My average was about 5 minutes for this one – of course, there was 20 seconds difference between those runs into the wind and those with it. It was a good workout. Speed workouts have a much more euphoric effect, I find. Then I had to go to the dentist. Speed training and dentist, I am one tough mofo.

Dating:

I am not yet comfortable with the words “single person”. I prefer to say “person not in a committed relationship” (ie person first). My relationship status is slowly something I am becoming comfortable with. Perhaps even enjoying a little bit. The freedom is fun and exhilarating. Sure, there is a lack of cuddles and support from a partner, but, as I know from experience, a being in a relationship is no guarantee of that.

Charles Darwin said something along the lines of “the animals who survive are not the strongest or the biggest or brightest, but the ones most able to adapt”.

One thing I pride myself on is ability to adapt. Survive. Thrive, hopefully. I learn quickly. I have always learned quickly.

So I have gone from letting a person under my skin and crying over them to getting a bit of a harder hide….over the course of a few months.

Some things I have learned:

– Nothing is sacred, until it is, well, sacred. This counts for both parties. It is quite ok to juggle a few balls in the air as long as none of them have my name on them.

– Plenty more where that one came from

– Easy come, easy go.

– A person worth a damn will : call, call back, not cancel dates, make you feel good about yourself rather than wanting to tear your hair out. A person not worth a damn will not do those things. Those people are not worth my precious time, no matter how much they make my heart flutter. Their number is best deleted from my phone to avoid temptation.

– There are people worth a damn out there. How many, and what proportion they are in compared to the ones not, well, this remains to be seen.

– Just because the person is worth a damn and likes me, it does not mean I necessarily have to like them back. Chemistry is a tricky thing and cannot be forced.

– Best to treat everyone as I would like to be treated, and insist on the same in return. I keep scrupulous personal hygiene and smell delicious (apart from while and just after running), and also expect the same in return.

– Text messages are nice for nice little messages, and that’s it. Not for important conversations. Not for making cancellations.

– We make assumptions to protect ourselves and save time. I will assume that somebody who does not call back or cancels a date or is otherwise evasive is not interested. This is possibly a bit cynical, but has saved me a heck of a lot of disappointment.

– We can’t have everything we want. Well, some people seem to, but they are lucky. Best to focus on the things that we have, and the things that are attainable. If I want emotional support, I go to my friends, and bask in their glow.

– Sex can exist outside of a committed relationship, in fact, it quite happily does! Having it with a particular person does not cement anything. This can be both a bad thing and a good thing, I’ve discovered. Ponder that.

– Like buying a car, look under the hood. Ponder that too.

– Spooning is awesome. I particularly like being the little spoon. This is one of the few God given rights we have as females.

– Check what company the person keeps. Check that they are happy to share their company with your company. The sort of company a person keeps says a lot about that person.

errr, that’s it at the moment. Anyone have any other little gems they wish to throw me?

3 (and a bit months) out…..

So the London Marathon is not all that far away. 3 months.

I have been putting in the training but probably not always making good lifestyle decisions to back up the training, notably around food, alcohol and sleep.

I have a decision. Not a once-off decision, but one I have to make most days up until the big day.

I can do the things I have been doing, or improve things a bit. This will make a difference between struggling through training and really seeing vast improvements. Getting the fittest body I can, getting the most out of the experience.

I know what to do, and how. Just gotta do it. And get my friends/loved ones on board with it, so they can support me.

Having said all this

a. I went out on Friday night, got quite drunk, but had a splendid time. A bit of a sore head on Saturday, but no worries.

b. I did quite well on my 15km long run today. I had some “stomach troubles”, resulting in 2 diversions for toilets on the way out on my run. I didn’t run with the group; instead, I did my own run. My speed was about 20 sec per km on average faster than my 20km pace, and my last km, for the alert among you, was the fastest! I am getting faster. Slowly but surely. I would like to get faster a bit, well, faster.

Marathon training – later week 5.

Wednesday was 800s- we did 4 with a 1 minute recovery in between. My best time was 4:55. I played the whole “Oh I don’t want to go to training” but then went and enjoyed it. I quite like the speed sessions – they work up a good sweat and get the endorphins pumping.

Thursday was a 5km run to keep the legs ticking over. I will need to change this to an arvo run if I want to run longer. However, my social life (I has one!) intervened and I went to see “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” at the pictures. Loved it. Rooney Mara was Oscar worthy. Daniel Craig was, as usual, scrumptious.

Anywho, back to the marathon training, I have been thinking of a few things.

Firstly, I need to eat better. As a result of having a social life (yay!), there has been more activity of the eating and drinking variety. I need to rein it in, or make it healthy. I have gained back about 2kg 😦 in the past couple of months, and I don’t want this to continue. Also, looking back at my food choices, quite a bit in the tasty biscuit/cake category has slipped in. I need to change it to fruit/veg!

The other corollary of having a social life (yay!) is getting to bed later. My coach has suggested a 10pm curfew. I should make this my goal for most nights.

I am planning to do some yoga tomorrow, before a 15 km run on Sunday.

But tonight, I am going to a friends birthday party in the city. The Aylesbury, with pre-dinner cocktails at Seamstress. Yey! Happy weekend. Should help dissolve some of the work stressors (eeek) I have been experiencing.

Marathon training- beginning week five. Plus other breakthroughs

So after being the Lord Mayor of Struggletown for the last 3km of my run on Sunday, I emailed my woes to the chief coach, who duly called me back.

I told him about the queen mother of all headaches that I had been having, plus the blood sugar plunge in the car after the run.

He asked me how much I had drunk and what. I told him. In terms of fluid and carbohydrates, it was much less than what I needed. Aha! Might need to investigate gels. Anyone have any recommendations?

Anywho, I went to Monday training yesterday. We have a new Coach, Cathy. She has run many marathons and quite a few ultramarathons (including Comrades). She started running at age 40 and is now 47, but looks much younger. She is also a keen yogini, and has a lovely “earth-motherly” air about her. She is super caring. She took us for some hill reps and strength work. She got us to take our shoes and socks off, and we practiced barefoot exercises. She even brought along some whole almonds so we could practice picking them up with our toes (not between the toes, clawed under the big toe). Novel foot strengthening!

I am a little sore and sorry today – I plan on getting a massage to sort myself out for tomorrow’s training. And Thursday’s long run.

I also woke up happy today.

Why, you ask?

Well, for the first time in some years, I don’t feel needy, or lonely. Not waiting for a returned phone call or text message, or some sliver of attention or acknowledgement.

And how?

I have built up a supportive network of friends, and have spent time with them, if only just for distraction.

I have focussed on the unassailable, stable things in my life, that nobody can take away from me.

Mostly though, the love, attention and acknowledgement that I need, I am learning to give to myself a bit more.

I have faked it till I maked it! I think I have maked it!

Oooh, also, today I have got to work on setting up my PhD project. Mostly by printing out things on bits of paper, punching holes in those bits of paper, putting them in folders and labelling the folders with things. Other bits of paper I have put in envelopes and mailed. Doing official things with bits of paper makes it all…well….official. Exciting!

Marathon Training Week 4, including 20 km long run (Singin’ in the rain)

It’s back into the training in earnest. No festive holidays as an excuse. Right back into it.

Wednesday’s training was Fartlek training. It was hard. I don’t like having to speed up. I did the whole mind-game of “oh, I’m not gonna go in to training today”. Then I thought “hey, what you talkin’ bout, get your butt to training. And I did. The first half was hard. Second half was fun, and I felt fantastic. Also went on a very nice date with a gentleman that night 😀

Then I did a run on Thurs, about 5 km all up.

Today was my first long-run back after Christmas. We met at the Brighton Sea Baths. As per usual, I was on my own. Luckily, I had made up a “20km” playlist on my iPhone, so that kept me company.

It took a good 5-6km to get into the rhythm. Then, after that, it began to rain. Then heavily.

At about the 8km mark, I was on a bit of a downhill section. One of my favourite Gotye songs come on. Though raining, the sky was bright. I felt good. It was the high point of my week.

No worries up to 10km – I had a little breather/stretch/drink at Rickett’s point.

At about 12km, it was a bit of a struggle, so I walked a little way.

At about 15km, I met Brian for a quick guzzle of some drink. I felt good, so picked up the pace (to a blistering 7:10) for that km.

After about 17km it all got rather painful. Not pain, per se, but heaviness, tightness. The grunts turned into swearing (Andrew will be familiar with this). I was soaked through from the downpour and started to get chilly.

This was where I had to talk calmly to myself: “You have only just started training, this is the longest run you have done in a long time, it will get easier” etc. A few little walk breaks were taken. The long run can be a real emotional roller-coaster.

After the run, I could feel my blood sugar plunge, felt sick. I was immensely grateful for the banana I had packed (anyone know what this is all about?)

Rather than going to a cafe, I took my drowned-rat self to the supermarket to get some bits and bobs, and cooked some bacon and eggs for myself. Best thing I have had in a while. Yum.

Then I had a little snooze. Am off out tonight, to a Hungarian restaurant. More protein.

ooh, here is the workout. The pace was 3 sec per km faster than my 18 km run the week before. Yah!

20km long run

Whoa, 2011, time to step off.

The hardest year of my life.

But also

The most rewarding year of my life.

The most enlightening year of my life.

I dreaded the end of 2011 – was dreading Christmas and New Year celebrations outside the comfort of a long term relationship, with familial strains. Also, it was a time when reflection would be required. Just to put it all down to a crap year and run as far away from it as I can.

I got to thinking about what I have achieved this year.

• Gotten better from another jolly bout of depression.
• Commenced my first year as a boss. Dealt with a fairly significant stressor (in the form of a patient complaint). Got another session in a clinic.
• Started my PhD, got stuff done on it – applied for funding, obtained some funding, done ethics approval, sorted logistics, wrote papers, went overseas and presented one, attended international investigator meetings, got my first paper published. In doing so, I have met a wonderful group of people and have inspiring supervisors. Like a new family.
• Travelled overseas thrice.
• Gotten over my fear of training for a marathon and started training for a marathon. Inspired to do it by (ex-) mother in law telling me that I could not do a marathon.
• Overcome binge-eating disorder (milder form, but still) and linked my mood with my food.

And, and, and…. the 13 year relationship with my husband ended.

What a roller coaster that was.

• From having the increasing alarm bells about the state of the relationship, fear and dread about our future. Feeling hopeless
• Getting up the head of steam to do something about it, mostly fuelled by anger and fear (it was not the most productive way, but still)
• Dealt with the fallout from my own family – they were initially actively unsupportive. Stuck to my guns.
• Dealt the fallout from the family “in-law”
• Dealt with the fallout from my husband
• Discussed legal/living arrangements
• Moved out of my home
• Negotiated other relationships. Making rookie mistakes and paying the price for them.

It has been harrowing. Anger, fear, guilt, shame, loneliness, all of these. These have, at times, been overwhelming. I have spent so much time at the edge, or down the bottom of a hole. I have lost faith in myself and wondered when I would get it back. I have had my very sanity questioned (having a history of depression causes people to question your motivation). At times, I did not see how anything could get better. Every little demon I has come out and danced.

Each time I have found a bit of power to bounce myself back out of the hole. Sometimes with vigour. Sometimes not. Mostly by myself. Sometimes with the help of my friends. I spent thousands of dollars in therapy.

There have been happy times too – I have learned to really enjoy the little things, find comfort in these.

I have made many new friends, and kept most of my old ones.

Sometimes, I feel strong, hopeful about the future. It is increasing.

This new year, this is what I aim for:

• eat more food at home – I have been a bit cheeky and eaten out a lot
• cut back on the alcohol – there has been quite a bit of wading/drowning of sorrows in it. This must stop.
• Continue training for the marathon consistently – I have made this one easy on myself, am in a training group. Tick
• build bridges with my family.
• to keep eating aligned with hunger 9have been doing a bit of comfort eating in the last month or so)

Most of all, though:

• Continuing to go badass on my inner bully, bust a cap on it (sorry, love ghetto speak)
• To become comfortable in my own company
• To not take things personally (if people act shabbily, it is them, not me)
• To not let fear stop me
• To be kind to myself, particularly when feeling sad (mostly, in acknowledging difficult emotions)
• To build relationships with the people who matter
• To pay no mind to the people who don’t (esp in the dating world, to which I am a new citizen)
• To always appreciate that I am loved (and not get into the “nobody loves me” torpor)
• To remind myself that I am worthy and deserving (so I don’t put up with stuff that makes me miserable)
• To do the things that I want to do, and say no when I don’t want to (within reason, of course)
• to revel in the little things.
• to treat life as an adventure