Chucking a wobbly

Standard

Or sucking my thumb or sulking in bed.

I have a good life and much to be grateful for. In order to make  myself feel better (or appease my own feeling inadequate) I have been doing lots of nice things for others.

Today, I just felt a bit over it all.

I feel like a big bag of need/want at the moment. To be taken out somewhere, spoiled, surprised, appreciated, hugged. Called just for the hell of it. Hell- shooting big-taken away for a weekend.

 

I took the ex out for a birthday dinner tonight. Never occurred to me not to do something.Even  though we are not really speaking  that much. We are civil but that’s it. I wanted to gesture goodwill, find peace and all that stuff.

Tonight after a long day, I thought “why the fecking hell am I doing this?” I wanted to pike.

I went. We had about as much to talk about as we did previously. Not that much. It got through pleasantly enough.

Then he mentioned that he and his girlfriend were going away for NYE.

I smiled and said “oh, that’ll be lovely”.

Meanwhile, I was imagining going on a rampage through the restaurant, smashing the wine bottles and upending tables.

Screaming “but I want to be taken away tooooooo!!!” not by him, somebody else.

Very adult, huh?

Fuck going out of my way for others. I can’t even get my own food shopping/ cleaning done.

I need to look after me. Not just in a pamper-y way, to get my own shit in order.

Otherwise I really will be chucking tantrums.

4 responses »

  1. Goodness, well done on not killing him on the spot. Sounds like the time for a major wallow. The Christmas police won’t come if you don’t “do the right thing”. Take your time ‘getting your shit in order’. It’s probably in order already. Being in pain on post-breakup Planet WTF is a very sucky situation (to use the technical term)
    You can hop on the train to East Gippsland and walk along the river or ride your bike along the rail trail near our place any weekend you like!

  2. actually, put yourself in the new girlfriend’s shoes: **your boyfriend is going to dinner with his ex wife for his birthday**

    what does that tell you about the state of their relationship? I think karma will strike soon enough without you smashing anything. And I don’t reckon he “got any” last night when he got home.

  3. I agree with Louise, if I was the new girlfriend, I’d be smashing wine bottles over him going for birthday dinner with you.

    F*ck everyone else, get your shit together! Otherwise you’ll be no good to anybody.

  4. Oh man I’d have been smashing the bottle over his noggin’ at that nugget of info! Sometimes a good whinge and wallow is exactly what’s in order… you’re human. You have been through a lot. Hug hug hug hug huuuuugggggg xx

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