Stuff that’s good.

Here is some stuff I am grateful for this week.

• I wagged the last spring into shape 12.7 km race. Instead, I headed off to Princes park and did a 15km run. I headed out very conservatively (on average 7:45/km) and upped it to 7:30 km for the last few k. This is a good slow-endurance run pace for me, according to this website. Hopefully, with doing some speed training, it will get a bit faster.
• During my run, I saw this handsome fella.

I was running in the opposite direction to him. I saw him, thought “that’s Kouta”. Next time, I said “Hey, Kouta” and he said “how are ya?”. On the next lap, he said “doing well” and even though I was sweaty I still giggled and blushed and batted my eyelashes.

I am not even a Carlton supporter.

• Getting a letter from this magnificent lady. An email, too, but a proper, handwritten letter.
• Going to Golden Fields restaurant in St Kilda. I was dressed very stylishly and completed my makeup in the taxi. The Pakistani taxi driver told me I looked beautiful. I got to the restaurant a bit early, bought a champagne (French, not Aussie) and propped myself against the bar. I unabashedly struck a pose. I was unashamedly a poseur. I had a lovely meal with some lovely ladies. I even got some companions for the trip to Sydney that I wanted to take.
• All of the people in my street have roses in their front garden, which I take time to smell.
• My mum visiting this morning. She said the 5 little words* I needed to hear from her
• My new 1000 thread count sheets, bought discounted.
• My girlfriends visiting yesterday to see my new house
• The fact that I am now not dreading Christmas so much, but thinking of some new memories that I can make.
• That it would have been my 7th Wedding anniversary today, and I managed to send a nice text to my ex-husband, and he sent one back to me, and I did not feel too sad, only mildly wistful. That I can remember that day 7 years ago as a happy one.
• That I am feeling better. I have worked hard on it, and I deserve to.

*you did the right thing.

Finding my focus, flair, fitness and fabulousness.

plus foraging for fine food.

The big lump of sad still flashes its head on a daily basis, but it is mostly not quite as overwhelming.

I am getting my mojo back.

I have been running most days, to get the kilometre base up, the miles in the legs. I have a sore back 😦

I am actually getting stuff done. I make lists!

I am going out with friends. Getting used to my own company, slowly. Meeting new folks and discovering new eateries around town.

Main obstacle in my head is Christmas. What I would like is for it to be cancelled.

Yes I know that sounds horrible, but I just cannot deal with it this year, for various reasons. Mostly because I find the idea of spending a day with people who I do not see often and clash with (ie my family) in my sister’s sparsely furnished 1 bedroom flat is depressing and makes me want to take my eyeballs out. There. Said it.

I have been offered the opportunity to spend some of it with somebody else. An escape. I may just take it up. Or I know some other “orphans” who I might invite over to get drunk quietly in a safe environment. I need to make some new memories, or, at least, drink till I have no memory!

Many people find Christmas difficult. It is hard to admit, though. But  refreshing to admit.

My small comforts / delights this week:

• handful of dark chocolate coated almonds
• asking for (and getting) more chocolate sprinkles on my cappuccino. Trendy. No. Yummy, yes.
• Finding an awesome supermarket: Coles Ivanhoe. All the supermarkety stuff, lots of gourmet stuff. Best of all, a fresh fruit/ vege bar, where stuff is cut up. It is all nice and clean, too, not skanky. And no big queues. Win!
• Sniffing roses.
• Being ok with the idea that this year I am a big scrooge. I used to feel guilty. Now I say “BAAA HUMBUG” loud n proud.
• Learning the phrase “the pash and dash”.
• having a couple of…..ahem….dates ….lined up (well I dunno if they are dates, or dinner meetings with unrelated and hopefully unattached members of the opposite sex)
• Seeing a bumper sticker that said “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good”.

Little wishes.

 

 

 

 

Some nice things over the last week:

• People watching in a Cafe – in particular, a group of young muslim women, fashionably dressed,  looking beautiful.
• Discovering that peas go very well in omlettes.
• Finding a beautiful red lippy
• Seeing my dog
• Patting a friendly staffy in the street
• Relaxed DVDs and curry with my housemate
• going out and meeting people. Getting some compliments.
• Seeing my housemate and her boyfriend interact. They are so nice to each other, they talk often and get along well. As much as relationships look different from the outside, I see her at home, alone, them together and on the phone together, and it is just beautiful.

Some things I would like.

It’s not winning tattslotto, nothing money related. Just simple things.

There are just a few little things I would like. I do all these things myself, but I would like them. Just putting it out there.

• somebody to bring me a coffee in bed to wake up with
• A nice email/phone call/text to brighten my day when I am feeling lonely.
• somebody to invite me out to something (like a festival, picnic etc)
• somebody to come out for a run with me
• and that’s it.

Well, hello, peeps!

I have been a bit slackola.

Slowly, things are being unpacked into my new house.

Slowly, I am picking up my distance. I am booked into marathon training. I tried to do a long run today, but only managed about 7km (note to self- do not eat thai the night before attempting a run).

I am doing lots of social things. I have joined some social groups around town. We are lucky in Melbourne to have lots of things to do and friends to make. I have joined a dinner club.

I am enjoying my new neighbourhood immensely.

I have what is probably my first trial patient.

Things are starting to come together. I have felt on an even keel this past week. Much to be proud of.

And yet, I went out tonight.

Little things have been accumulating. Things that remind me of things. A little pain in the heart. They accumulate, particularly under the influence of alcohol.

Then, all the fear, all the regret, all the guilt, all the sadness, all the anger and all the frustration floods out. It threatens to overwhelm me.

So long as it is an appropriate time (9pm at home while alone is ok), I let all the feelings wash over me.  I get sad. I feel like I am about to break into two and spill blood and guts everywhere.

So I have a good, hard old cry, acknowledge the extent of the feelings, and then, sleep.

Because sometimes, we can function as well as what we like in adversity, but there are times when we can become overwhelmed. It is important to acknowledge that, rather than run away. It helps me to move forward. To commence the new day afresh, hopeful, inspired.

Monday, Ahoy.

City2Sea

Not a race for me, but my first long run.

Not having done the 14km distance since….ooh, April, I just wanted to get over the line in one piece, and, preferably, without walking.

I went out very conservatively, kept a lot in the tank. We were not meant to have iPods or anything, so I had to pay attention to my environment.

Some things that floated my boat:

• An older fellow singing at the top of his voice to his contraband iPod.
• The spectators, including some little kids, cheering us on.
• Some of the folks in dress ups (I saw 3 of the 4 teenage mutant ninja turtles)

At about the 7km mark, my feet were numb/burning – Luckily a loosening of the shoelaces did the trick.

There was only a bit of self-bashing talk at the halfway point, otherwise, I really enjoyed the run.

I went very conservatively until the 10km mark. I was feeling good, so I opened her up a bit, picked up the pace.

At the 12 km or so mark, I saw shells, who had rounded the corner about 500 metres ahead of me. She looked strong and smiley!

I finished up and headed into the city. Had some grill’d for lunch. Went home. Snoozed.

“Owning It”

I was on my own all today. Nobody to greet me after the run for lunch. My housemate has been out. Dinner on my own. Too tired to salsa.

I spent a fair bit of time on my own before all this. It was lonely then, but it is a new kind of loneliness now – one that cannot (and should not) be denied.

The tendency is to want to run away from it. After a weekend of things to do and people to see, it is time for a night on my own. Owning it. Facing up to it. Getting used to solitude. The scariest place of all can be in one’s own head.

It will all take a bit of getting used to.

Nearly….normal?

People said that it would be better once I moved out into a new place.

It is. At the moment, it is.

Of course, I feel sad about everything. It is more of an “oh yes, that’s sad” than an absolutely crushing, “I don’t know if this is going to get better” feeling. And there are moments of real happiness there.

Such as when my housemate made me a sandwich to take for lunch.

And when I went to the bank to change over my accounts, and get some financial advice. I had to explain my new….ahem…circumstances. The lady banker was kind, motherly even.

I am enjoying the new ‘hood. Lots of nice cafes and shops.

I am thinking ahead enough to make a to-do list, and getting stuff ticked off it…slowly. There is stuff to be unpacked, but a little is occurring every day.

I have met up with my boss (who is recovering from cancer, it is good to see her well) and I have sorted out next year’s job – this was weighing on my mind.

Running.

I have some hills near my new digs, and I took the opportunity to have a run up and down them, yesterday. The 4 laps of prinny did not materialise with the weather forecast.

And the marathon….the marathon…..I have been thinking about how I am going to train for it.

I don’t want to do all my training on my own.A. It is lonely. B. It is hard to be motivated. C. It is lonely and hard to be motivated. D. I respond well to encouragement. So I have decided to join up with a group. I have previously trained with them and had good success. I am looking forward to starting. I have to get my “base” up before in-earnest training begins.

Some things are daunting at the moment. A lot of lip service is paid to believing in yourself.

I might actually benefit, I thought, from doing everything I have to do day by day, and then the big day will eventually come. I can be confident, then, that I have put the yards in.

My “other” (nice) to do list:

• I would like to buy some red lippy. I already have mac rebel. I lost my other red lippy.
• I would like to go to Sydney – see the Picasso exhibition, visit other bloggers, go to Aria.
• I would like to go to a music festival. I have never been to one.
• I would like a nespresso pixie machine. No more mess, or rogue coffee grinds.
• I would like to try zoom teeth whitening. Just do.

[insert cliched title here]

I have really thought about a title but they all sound trite.
A few really busy days with packing and moving. I am in my new house. I moved yesterday.
I have only about 1/3 unpacked, (I have a floordrobe now) but it is habitable. It is a lovely house, very homely, very big.

Packing was hard. Small objects filled with significance. I spent quite a bit of time face-down on the bed, or crying. Necessarily a sad, hard time, part of the grieving process etc etc whatever. It sucked.

I had been dreading saying goodbye to my neighbours, mostly scared that I would cry in front of them, but I felt I needed to. They are an older couple, who took in our bins for us, walked the dog occasionally, and were friendly. I finally summoned up the courage yesterday. They were absolutely awesome. No “aww, it’s such a shame”. They thanked me for saying goodbye, and told me that I had been a good neighbour. The Missus said “better luck next time, this is my second marriage, there will be somebody out there for you”.

I wrote off the past couple of weeks ahead of time, knowing that they would be shit, and the aim of the game would just be to keep sane (hey, that rhymes!) Friday was a particularly difficult day, for some reason. Getting out of bed was a struggle (I was late to work) and it felt like I was walking around in treacle.

What I would have really loved, more than anything, was for somebody to coax me out of bed with a coffee. More than riches, more than status.

It was very tempting to spend what free time I had sitting on the couch, staring at the wall, wallowing.
Instead, I have made a special effort to get out and do things, no matter how little I feel like it.
On Thursday, I went to a food tasting evening in the city, with some of my new friends.
On Friday, I went to pick up my key for the new house, and went for a bite to eat with my new housemate.
On Saturday, I went out with my girlfriends for dinner, then out with one of them for a drink (to say “goodbye” to Brunswick”). I was tempted to pull out at the last minute, but I went and had a lovely time. I made a special effort to dress and groom nicely (getting ready is half the fun) and this was noted and complimented by my girlfriends.
Last night, I went to Salsa.
I was exhausted from the move and not having had enough sleep the night before, I was going to give the class a miss. But I thought NOOOOO!
I went and did 2 classes – the beginner and the more advanced one, where we learned more of the “salsa-y” bits. I even put a dress on!

 I practiced smiling and making eye contact. The former was easy, it is hard not to smile in those classes, but the eye contact wasn’t.

There was quite a bit of eye candy there (and some people who didn’t smell very nice). Some of them were good dancers.

The best dancer, however, was Jeff, 77 years old, bald, missing 2 front teeth with a wonky knee, but my word he could dance. He whipped me expertly around the floor, teaching me what to do. What a legend!

Salsa, or any other partner dancing, is mostly about the men taking the lead.

Being lead does not come naturally to me, but, after a few trips and blows to the head (learning the “haircomb” move) I learned it.

The moral: relax, don’t be bossy, and just enjoy it. A good lesson for me.

So a hard week, lots of sadness, but punctuated with moments of reprieve. Enjoyment. Unexpected surprises. Beginnings, rather than all endings.

Things that have floated my boat today/recently:

– My friend coming for “goodbye Brunswick” drinks with me – I was all prepared to go by myself

– My neighbours being cool

– Jeff the booty shaking 77 year old.

-sitting outside for lunch.

-hearing from people that I have not expected to hear from

– Chris and his cakes

Back story to this. Chris is a fellow that I went to uni with, I have known him for errr…15 years! He has not changed a bit – short, Chinese, smiley, long sleeved shirt with pens in the pockets, slacks, sensible shoes. He is now a specialist, doing a PhD in the same building I am. Anywho, when it is his turn to make morning tea, he always bakes something fancy. He bakes!. His wife, by the way, is called Christine. Cute! He always writes something about what he bakes. Today, he write about how acidification neutralises the advanced glycosylation endproducts of carbohydrates exposed to dry heat – in English, he baked a lemon cake. To commemorate spring, he bought in flowers from his garden in a porcelain vase with a poem in Chinese written on it.

What a champion.

Finished

the article! (Well, handballed it off to Joe, only 10 days overdue)
What I have learned from it:
-Writing articles on topics on which I am not expert is hard.
-Time spent procrastinating/delaying/sweating vs time actually writing: about 10 to 1
-I need to ask for help sooner
-I need to not let it beat me
-I need to just write stuff and then correct later.
Packing – needs to be done.
Tonight – am going out.

Running…what it did for me today.

I went for a run, about 7km. It was nothing – could have gone another lap of prinny or two (but the dog was getting tired).

All those cliches, like:
– you will be fine
– things will get better
– all you need is you
– you can do anything

They have just seemed like cliches. Empty.
During the run, they seemed a little bit more real. Not present, but within reach.

I am glad I run.

I saw a sign yesterday – “Be excellent to each other”. Will have to photograph and post it.
I will get the tumblr up and running soon.

The big picture.

Incredibly hard few days.

Kathryn’s post got me thinking…. What are my dreams ?

I need to give that a bit of thought.

What are yours?

I have goals, dreams are a bit less concrete, really.