I was going to do the 12.7km event but I have not run anywhere near that distance, so I did the 8.4 instead. Some of the girls from my running group had arranged to meet for the 8.4km event. When it came time to wake up this morning, this was the only thing that got me out of bed. The mood I have been in, most fibres in my body were telling me to stay the fuck in bed and sleep all day.
I got to the event just in time, made sure to put my timing chip on my shoe (yessss) and lined up for the finish. No time for neurotic repeated bladder emptying like I usually do! No watch, no iPod. Just me. It was hard. It was humid. I tried to jolly myself along. You are doing great, I thought. Everything will be ok. You will be fine, It’s all about you etc etc.
Then I thought, fuckit. I cannot jolly myself along. I will embrace my pain. What do they call it? Mindfulness. Yeah, mindfulness.
So here was what was going on in my head from the start to 6km in the race:
It’s all gone to shit (but I’m here)
I don’t want to leave my dog (but I’m here)
I am so sorry it all ended (but I’m here)
I will be alone ALOOOONNNNNE (but I’m here)
I really don’t see the point in anything (but I’m here)
I am running past the spot on the yarra, in fed square, where we met and talked and kissed for hours and it huuuuurrrrts (but I’m here)
Fucking bastard (but I’m here)
I am so sad. So tired. (but I’m here)
It hurts so bad I want to fall off the face of the planet (but I’m here)
It’s too humid (but I’m here)
Then, THEN, I saw a girl struggling up the hill. I ran with her.
There was a tall bloke running with his girlfriend. I used him as my wind block.
Then a girl said to me, when I was walking through a drink stop “come on, we are doing this together”. We ran together for a bit, then her foot started hurting so I ran further.
I ran. I only walked through the drink stops. I did not run fast, but I ran.
I did a sprint finish, and the race caller called me by name.
The sun broke out. I felt….ok. Sad. Still, no worse than when I got up. Maybe a bit better. That girl that I was meant to meet with never showed up – she slept in. I did it for me, then.
The race itself – dunno what time I did it in. Think this one was about running with the pain. Not running away from it. Running WITH it. I am a little less afraid of it now, at the moment.
Other stuff. Not run related. You can tune out now if you like, this is some reflection/navel gazing. And possibly a bit rambly.
I have vacillated between self blame and blaming him. Severe anger and crushing guilt. Indignation and self-loathing. I shudder at some of the things I did wrong.
What is starting to emerge is that
– We were not bad to each other, but we were not good to each other. We were not there for each other in the way the other needed. Our worlds, once overlapping, had drifted apart (that sounds so wanky, but it’s true). We had less and less in common.
– It died. We are both responsible. We both made mistakes. Painful, painful lessons to learn.
– Neither of us had very good relationship/marriage role models.
– I really, really wish we had done something about it a while ago. Neither of us realised what was going on, though. I wish somebody had pulled us aside and had a quiet word with us. That is my biggest regret, and something I struggle with. I can’t change it though.
– I am OK with him being with another woman. Really. I have imagined them taking long romantic walks through the fields in Bittern (where she lives), looking into each other’s eyes, in bed together. A little twinge of pain, perhaps, but I am not jealous. I had imagined them together some time ago. I wish him the best – I really do. This is a telling sign.
The Jewish Barrister
– Being vulnerable really, really lowered my bargaining status! Further, it made me accept some things in him that I would normally not, because, I thought, hey, I’m fucked up too! Gotta accept other people with all their flaws.
– I went into it terrified. Terrified that I would fuck it up, like all the other things. I over-compensated. I saw the signs that it would go nowhere, but I thought I could fix it. I zeroed in on all the nice parts and magnified them. All good in retrospect.
– I am glad I had the courage to confront him, and not accept being one of God knows how many of his women. Some people wouldn’t do that. Still hurts though. I fell hard and fast.
On me. (The number one thing!)
– I have had all sorts of unhelpful things go through my head. Loose cannon. Train wreck. You deserve it, this is your punishment etc etc. Unhelpful.
– My number one fear is of being alone. Now I have to face it.
– There are other things I could work on. Patience. Bolstering my own self-esteem so that it does not rely on other people’s opinions to feed it. They are the two main things.
– I have many things – great job, exciting research, great friends. I am working on rebuilding the relationship with my family.
– I need to concentrate on these things first.