Any of you who are familiar with my blog will be familiar with a fluctuating sense of unease. It would be hard to understand from the outside – everything seemed to be going well, I had everything anyone could ever want.
It has taken some years, but I have had to go into the amorphous feeling of unease and say “who goes there?” “What is it?” “What do you need?”. It has been a painful but enlightening process. Sometimes I wish I did not upset the apple cart, but, as somebody wise said to me, it is better to be mindful than oblivious.
I wax lyrical about holes, talk around what I am feeling. I have waxed lyrical about being brave and doing my best. But sometimes, you just need to get to the point.
I have sharpened the focus on the magnifier, and got to what really makes me upset. The internal monologue in my head, on a bad day, goes a little something like this. Some days it is quiet, other days it is loud. It can occur in any combination or just be one phrase.
You will be alone for the rest of your life.
You lazy fuck, you should be getting more work done.
You are wasteful and spend too much money, go overseas too much. Too excessive.
You are fat and slow. Ugly.
You are a bad person, and don’t deserve happiness.
Something really bad is going to happen.
You can’t deal with this.
Everyone else is doing better than you and you will be left behind.
Ugly. Confronting. Untrue (hopefully).
I am exposing my inner bully, and it can now be challenged and re-educated.