Monthly Archives: October 2011

Taking my sad out dancing.

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Busy day today.

I met the lovely Carly Findlay for brunch – she is a melbourne blogger who bravely takes chronic illness in her stride. She is a little crackerjack!

Then I met my mum and sister for lunch. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

I did some of the article. It is not finished yet. Writing is like (I would imagine) pushing a turd out against a haemorrhoid, sorry for the graphic analogy. It is overdue. Tomorrow/Tuesday…

I started packing today. I had known it would be hard, and sad. I sorted, I listened to music. I took a break, lying prone on the floor. Hey, it seemed like an appropriate thing to do.

I had been thinking about going to Salsa classes – I’ve actually been wanting to go for some years. I like most forms of dance. Come about 6:30, the inertia of being in tracksuit pants was great, and it was tempting to hunker down in front of the telly.

But, again, the times when we most want to curl into a little ball are probably those where we must absolutely get out. So I rocked up to a class at the Provincial Hotel in Fitzroy.

The thing with rocking up to these classes alone is that you can be who you want to be. A saucy minx, even.

Saucy minx has left the building for a little while. An earnestly, nervously smiling Cilla was there. I dressed fairly comfortably, not saucily.

There was no time to fortify myself with alcohol before, so I went in stone cold sober. Inside, there were ladies, mostly younger than me, quite a few made up to the nines, and dressed in attire so tight that one could see every cocopop they ate for breakfast. They had the bodies for it, though!

A few gentleman,  numbers approximately evenly matched with the ladies. Most were smiling nervously, some were not smiling at all, one had a smile on his face like a cheshire cat.

It was fun. It made me smile. Genuinely smile. It was an effort to keep my eyes off the floor (and, alternatively, off the instructor’s pert buttocks. Sorry. Ladette speaking).

An hour was enough. My sad, left at the front door, was there to greet me and walk me to my car. I went home, and on seeing the empty wall where I have taken down some pictures, I had a bit of a cry.

I can’t expect euphoria now. Just enough joy to get me through from day to day without going insane. I know, intellectually, things will get better. People have told me they will. It is hard to believe at the moment.

I will go to the class again. I will wear my strappy heels and lippy. A bit more minxy.

Things I wanna do

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When the moving/ article business is over.

Get a facial
Get a pedicure
Go to Sydney – Go to Aria Restaurant, Get my photo done with Katie, See some friends
Buy Frankie Magazine
Take a weekend trip to the beach
Start doing long runs
Buy a bright summer dress to wear to aforementioned beach trip (saw some in shop- all in size 6-8 😦 )

I give in.

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This week has been a bit of a struggle. I’ve got through, but it’s been tough.
I know what it is.
It is not acopia. (I’m coping)
It is not ungratefulness (I am grateful).
It is not being negative (I know my strengths).
It is not being weak (I am strong)

I have a big, fat sad.
The sad is a big blob. Sadness, with regret, guilt, loneliness and fear. It has a black dog on a leash with it too. The blob gets bigger and the dog growls in certain locations (certain thoughts and locations will bring things back acutely)
COMPLETELY understandable, given the circumstances.

It is very, very tempting to run from it. Indeed, I have tried to give it the slip, on a number of occasions.

What I need to do, though, is sit it down and say “look, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me, but we need to learn to live together.”

I need to hold it’s hand and walk it forward. Take it out to a movie #(which I did, yesterday) and to the Taco Truck* (which I did tonight)

#Joined a meetup group and went to a movie in the city after work.
*The taco truck was awesome. It stops around Brunswick and Northcote of a Thursday night. You order fresh tacos and sit on a lawn. I bought Candy, and she and I made some friends.

I may even have to gazette some appropriate time to curl up in a ball, stay in pyjamas and read trashy novels all day. I dare say it might even save further freakouts.
I still miss NBS.

Having confidence in my own confidence.

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I am feeling a bit shattered at the moment, that much is clear. I am introspective – it is good, but I can get self-critical.

I feel get down on myself for feeling insecure (or, in other words, feeling insecure about feeling insecure). What the hell is that?

People say, “you have to build up your own confidence” and I wonder what to do in order to achieve this.

I am doing a lot of things, come to think of it.
– medical research, travel on own, running (plus a marathon), upsetting the apple cart re: an unhappy marriage. These things I never envisaged I would have the strength or ability to do, yet I am doing them.

By comparison, the other things I want to do, say, going to a music concert or salsa class or a good restaurant by myself, are relatively easy, come to think of it.
So I will go and do these things. AFTER I have finished my paper. And moved. Priorities.

Run – done. Thoroughly enjoyed it. So did the dog.

Goal update

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No wine- epic fail. Cannot waste a bottle of good rose. There is always next week. Meanwhile, Cheers. Goes down brilliantly with a mcfeast, by the way.
Dressing nicely – absolutely
Itbs and hammies- did pilates for fist time in aaaages tonight. Awesome. Lots of muscles that I forgot about.
Run and article – tomorrow.
Salsa- tomorrow also.
Quality time with dog- yes. She is adorable.
Novel- yes. Downloaded. Is a Jeffrey Eugenides novel. I have in my possession the book “the slap”, but cannot bring myself to read it at the moment.

In other news-
– saw the little vietnamese fellow today, I was nervous before seeing him. He was lovely, though.
– talked with my phd supervisor today. It was a bit of “yes, the project is going ok, but I am absolutely struggling to get out of bed of a morning just to let you know”. He was great, bless him.
– I crave….I crave…..you know…..sigh. A brief hug with the man- cake in the lab simply fails to cut the mustard. Sigh. (patience, grasshopper……)

Goals for week.

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Mondays are shit. Have currently got concentration span of a goldfish.
This blog is not private but I have been writing fairly personal stuff. I will give it a rest for today.

The goals are as follows:

– finish a paper I am trying to write
– spend plenty of quality time with the dog
– dress nicely every day
– go for 2 runs (they help)
– massage ITBs/ hips daily
– find a nice, light fluffy book and read it on iPad.
– Avoid alcohol while at home alone, minimal when out. The open bottle of wine in the fridge DOES NOT EXIST.
– book removalists
addit – have booked in salsa class 🙂

Oh, and BTW – I am finally a peer-reviewed author of a medical article. Go. Me.