A busy week, a frenetic Friday with only time for a Big M for lunch, a difficult phone call from mum. It was followed by a very enjoyable but very busy weekend. This involved a karaoke session with girlfriends, running training, brunch with a girlfriend, an enjoyable Saturday night out (with some further sleep deprivation), followed by a lovely brunch out in the sun in great company. A nanna nap then a sublime massage.
All great stuff.
Yet I am tired and feeling rather drained. I have a busy week ahead, filled with appointments, deadlines.
The temptation is to keep busy at this time, as it would seem preferable to sitting at home navel-gazing. “Getting on with things” has been my major drive.
There is a scream and yell from the outside world. Things to do. People to see. Excitement to be had. I want to be in on it, goddamit, I deserve to be happy and feel excited. I have become “busy and important”, and it is rather exhilarating.
Yet this noise can threaten to drown out the little whisper of “hey, take it easy, man, slow down”. The noise can make it hard to see the writing on the wall that I am at risk of being overwhelmed. I am burning the candle at both ends, and have actually lacked the time or inclination to sleep and eat properly.
Sitting at home, exhausted, starving hungry, lacking the energy to go and procure food. Tears come easily, as does the feeling that I may indeed lose the plot, and I must not. I am an adult and, during these times, I feel like an over-wrought toddler. The desire to fling myself to the floor like an over-wrought toddler can be overwhelming.
I would love for somebody to come and scoop me up and look after me during these times, to cook me dinner and give me a cuddle and tuck me into bed. We cannot always have what we want, unfortunately.
A few things I really need to do:
- avoid sleep deprivation strictly. No matter how exciting the time that induced the sleep deprivation, I invariably feel shit with it. I need a solid 8 hours most nights to keep a lid on things.
- Quarantine time to do “mindless” things as a priority – reading my fluffy novels, taking the dog for a leisurely stroll, watching funny shows on DVD, taking myself out for tightarse monday movies.
- Eating 3 meals per day, and having food in the house to make even if I am tired. Baked beans. Soup. I have taken to popping berocca. (Despite this, though, I managed to scrape together a decent dinner tonight)
- It is tempting to drink alcohol to take the edge off, but it takes increasing quantities to do this when wound up. I need to be careful.
- Keeping those who give me the urge to take my eyeball out with a fork at arms length, even if those people happen to be my flesh and blood. Conversely, keeping close the people who bring forth my best, calm, serene self.
I do not need a cup of Concrete to Harden The Fuck Up, I need a cup of Take It Easy, Dude. I need to brew it up myself, carefully and lovingly.
If I expect V8 performance, I need to fill the tank with premium.
If you see me, gently remind me of this. It is not intuitive for me.