If anyone can help me with making up a website with this name, which redirects from, I would appreciate that.

I am tired of being sassy, and everybody knows I am a doctor. Though that is what I do rather than who I am.

The aim of the game: Save Cilla.

I thought I was one of these

Then, recently, I found out I was one of these

I was an egg, that thought I was fancy, but was actually teetering close to the edge of the bench. Then – kerrack.

No matter. Cracked eggs make these, which are fabulous.

You take out a little yolk, put in a little sugar, agitate it, and add some decorations.

On reflection, it has been a shit 6-9 months. Shit as in difficult. I have been to hell and back – the people close to me will know what the issues have been.

A MAJOR overhaul of my life is required. And a cautiously brave new blog.

This blog was about body image neurosis, about expunging calories, about guilt. About some exciting experiences, too.

I have learned that I am more than the amount of calories I eat, the amount of kilometres I run, the pace I run them at, the number on the scale. I have so much more to offer the world than discussion about ways to lose weight.

I am passionate, intelligent and creative, and I need to nurture all of these things, otherwise I am in danger of becoming permanently unhappy.

I need to be true to myself, and be confident that people will still love me. Maybe not the people I thought, but there will be people. I need to balance keeping hope with managing expectation.

The goals will not be about an arbitrary number on the scales, a distance run in an amount of time, but more deeper goals. If I work on them, the lesser goals mentioned will fall into place.

These have been worked on recently, this is not an “I will start all of this on Monday”, they are very much an active work in progress.

So, here goes.

I have plenty of

  • time
  • energy
  • love
  • money

Even though it is plentiful, I need to save them. To ration them, and to learn to return them wisely and judiciously. They need to be an investment, and an investment suggests return on the investment. To not have the return on the investments makes you poor. I have learned this.

I need to spend my money on the basics, and the rest on experiences rather than stuff.

I need to reduce my guilt to levels that are appropriate to what I have done wrong.

I realised some time ago that I spent a lot of time with guilt. Guilt is helpful in small amounts, it keeps us human and stops us committing crimes. Large amounts are pathological, and breed resentment (and also depression). So I will try to challenge my guilty feelings, and put them in perspective.

I need to unleash my creative beast, and engage in the process rather than a perfect result.

I was a good painter at school, also good at creative writing. I loved to dance.

Throughout medical school and my training, perhaps out of necessity, I neglected them.

Recently, I have taken some creative things back, but it was more about excelling at them rather than enjoying the process.

Creating, and enjoying the process, lifts my soul.

I need to take pleasure in the basic things, rather than in grandiose goals.

I need to slow down and smell the roses. Not just pause briefly, but really have a good whiff. Hopefully not inhale a petal, or a bee. Also to take notice of the sky above, and the grass below. To say hello to the little old lady who tends the roses, and say “nice roses”.

Here is a rose

Concentrating on the small things and being mindful of them and showing gratitude. Long, regular periods of contentment rather than short periods of euphoria – that is happiness.

Re: the London Marathon – this was about a bucket list, a grandiose goal. It is not now; it has taken on special meaning. The concept of “you have come far, but have far to go”, this is the important thing. It will take consistent work, and the capacity to go easy on myself. That is the meaning it has taken on, and I am glad I coughed up the money to do it.

No, I am not on crack. But I do think I am onto something. More anon.

5 responses »

  1. Hey mate, apparently you can buy a web name and then pay to host it?? Something like that.
    Good luck! I keep trying to get my sister to commit to regular dance lessons but she won’t do it- and I really need to learn how to booty pop.

  2. Check out the WordPress Premium Features page, they will do what you want for less than $20 a year.

    Wish it was as easy to sort out all the other stuff too, but sounds like you’re on the right path, although not sure how you can talk about going easy on yourself and running a marathon in the same paragraph!

  3. I have my domain hosted with blogger. Dead easy. If you want to use blogger.

    Guilt is something I’ve had far too much of too. I think it’s an eldest child thing, you take on everyone else’s problems.

    Btw re: the dancing – you have to come to go-go with me when I get home. I think you’ll love it. It’s heaps of fun and very casual.

    Also I need yr email addy to email you my story.

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