On Courage.

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I have learned a thing or two about courage the last few weeks.

I used to think courage was about being fearless, about taking the bull by the horns. I would feel like something was amiss if I felt frightened, that I was being weak.

Courage is about facing my fears, not denying them. Facing them, no matter how ugly they are. Facing them and then getting up to do whatever I need to do that day, to see the fear swiftly change to optimism.

I have had three big fears – fear of the future, fear of what others think of me, and fear of what I think of myself.

I have some bright plans in my future, and, other than that, what will be, will be. I cannot dictate the future by worrying about it.

I used to be scared that, if I broke the facade of “perfection”, people would stop loving me.

I have learned that nobody is perfect, I am not perfect. People will think what they think, and I cannot control what they think. I also know that people will love me despite my “quirks”.

Most of the judgement I feared was the judgement from myself, reflected onto other people. I have had criticisms. I have previously internalised criticism, saw it as a bad thing.

Now I can say, well, if that is the worst criticism you can make, and, let’s say it’s true, is it really that bad? Can I not cope with it?

I actually can.

I have cried – floods. Sat in my car shaking, feeling sick, going pale. Scared stiff. And it passes when I go in and face what it is that is frightening, either physically or in my thoughts.

I feel more brave than ever. Braver and stronger by the day.

P.S. Why no comments? I miss comments! 🙂

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4 responses »

  1. “I used to be scared that, if I broke the facade of “perfection”, people would stop loving me.”
    I discovered that by being vulnerable and showing my flaws, people loved me more than I could ever imagine. Authenticity is just so attractive and people find us easier to love when we shed our masks.
    x

  2. The lack of comments seems to be a common problem. Could be multiple reasons.
    1. The technology. A few of my regular commenters comments, including yours, seem to often find their way into my spam queue. Checked there?
    2. I think a lot of us are spending less time in the blog world recently, I know it’s true for me anyway. I’ve noticed a few people who are blogging less frequently and who seem to be reading less often too.
    3. The topic of your last few blog posts has been pretty heavy and surprising. Sometimes the little platitude comment doesn’t seem appropriate, nor does an opinion that feels based on little real knowledge of your situation or what you’ve been through, and therefore may be inappropriate or upsetting. Sometimes it has just seemed safer to be quiet. May not be the right thing, but that’s just the way I’m wired.

    Stay strong !

  3. I have done the sobbing in the car thing before- usually because some song came on the radio that wasn’t even related to my drama! Hope you continue to find strength in the things you do mate!

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