I have learned a thing or two about courage the last few weeks.
I used to think courage was about being fearless, about taking the bull by the horns. I would feel like something was amiss if I felt frightened, that I was being weak.
Courage is about facing my fears, not denying them. Facing them, no matter how ugly they are. Facing them and then getting up to do whatever I need to do that day, to see the fear swiftly change to optimism.
I have had three big fears – fear of the future, fear of what others think of me, and fear of what I think of myself.
I have some bright plans in my future, and, other than that, what will be, will be. I cannot dictate the future by worrying about it.
I used to be scared that, if I broke the facade of “perfection”, people would stop loving me.
I have learned that nobody is perfect, I am not perfect. People will think what they think, and I cannot control what they think. I also know that people will love me despite my “quirks”.
Most of the judgement I feared was the judgement from myself, reflected onto other people. I have had criticisms. I have previously internalised criticism, saw it as a bad thing.
Now I can say, well, if that is the worst criticism you can make, and, let’s say it’s true, is it really that bad? Can I not cope with it?
I actually can.
I have cried – floods. Sat in my car shaking, feeling sick, going pale. Scared stiff. And it passes when I go in and face what it is that is frightening, either physically or in my thoughts.
I feel more brave than ever. Braver and stronger by the day.
P.S. Why no comments? I miss comments! 🙂