Firstly – my thoughts are with the people in Queensland, and my prayers are that they are safe.

I have my offsider back! Yay! A whole heap of stuff got done.

I had to meet with a family this morning to deal with some issues, something that I was shitting bricks about last night. It turned out better than I thought, but it took over an hour and I was really drained afterward. This arvo, Perhaps because it was hot and humid, I had a mega headache and was really tired. To add to my lassitude, I found out that I did not get a scholarship for the first year of my PhD, and was a bit disappointed about that. However, it is hard to get a scholarship in your first year (however my friend got 2) and one of my supervisors, who has got reportedly quite a large research budget had said that he would support me. Research – all about the cashola.

I had planned on going for a run on the tready this evening, the weather too horrible to go outside, but instead I had a nap. This is poor sleep hygiene, I know, but I was buggered. I think the humidity and the week without a resident has gotten to me,  so I stopped beating myself up about not going for a run. I think I might get my iron levels re-checked though – I had really low iron a couple of years ago and had to have an iron infusion.

I had been assiduously avoiding the scales recently, concentrating instead on mindful eating. I have had several achievements this week being:

  • sitting in front of the afternoon tea at the work meeting yesterday, involving muffins, chocolate and corn chips, and stopping at a corn chip and a little piece of cadbury, while everybody else was scoffing it all.
  • not going berserk after my 10km run on Sunday, instead enjoying a mini cheesecake after the run and a small veggie pizza (no dessert) for dinner, unlike my usual post-run extravagances (ie krispy creme donut, danish and koko black hot chocolate after run for the kids 2009 – see that blog entry!)
  • Politely declining the work morning tea this morning (involving cheesecake and mini cakes and more deliciousness) because I had had a good breakfast.
  • I have had an open jar of nutella, mersey valley cheese, chips and an open bag of sweet chilli cashews in my house from Christmas, and have not had the compulsion to devour them. The Christmas nutella survived to January – who’da thunk it?
  • I have been avoiding diet drinks, just being happy with water and herbal tea, and keeping my alcohol intake minimal.
  • I did not feel compelled to have a celebratory dinner in response to getting the job.
  • I have exercised to enjoy myself, and did a bloody hard grunty yoga class yesterday.
  • and most importantly, doing all of this calmly, happily and without a sense that I was denying myself. Not being good, or bad, just being. Instead of going around looking at food, getting anxious and saying “you don’t need that”, I ask myself, “well, what is it that you do need?”. Quite often it is a nap, a break, to punch somebody, to cry, to go home or to swear. Not that I can always do these things, but just to acknowledge this is good.

In addition, of late, I have quit weight watchers, not bought any magazine related to diet and not googled any diets. I have not counted calories (well not really). I have become quite annoyed with the Who Weekly that I subscribe to because of all of its emphasis on diets – the real life and celebrity slimmers just make me feel inferior. I spam all my Jillian Michaels and Weight watchers emails that poison my inbox.

So, getting back to the point, I stepped on my scales after my nap, with a feeling of trepidation. It would appear that I have lost 2 kilograms since I got back from holidays.

This is including the festive season, and a bout of depression which I am still grappling with, though it is improving. I have not been doing as much exercise as I have wanted to, but still.

Now, I am trying to shy away from defining myself by the number on the scales, but this feels good. More and more, I have capitalised on some of the great clothes I have and wearing them in different combinations. I have taken to looking at the mirror and saying less of “you’re fat and awkward” and more of  “you’re beautiful”.

Now, to change the subject entirely, a mother duck has taken up residence in our courtyard at work and laid some eggs. She gets a bit tetchy when people approach her. Ducks can be quite aggressive when approached, and even the very demented people on the ward have the sense to keep away from her. Yesterday, she was sitting on her young, keeping them warm and dry. It reminded me of my dog, who likes to sit on my feet. Today she was wandering around the courtyard with her 10 little ducklings in tow. It was really cute.

I just thought that was a nice story.

Anyway, I had better wind it down now. Goodnight, my sweeties.

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