It was Tuesday today. Long painful meeting day, sitting in front of tasty treats. Ward round with dizzy boss in the arvo. It is my least favourite day of the week in my current job.
And, you know what, I was cranky. I was over it. I felt like saying to my boss – “FOCUS! PAY ATTENTION! LISTEN! HURRY UP!!!”. She is one of these people who will not move forward with the flow of the meeting, she keeps rabbiting on about what she thinks is important and will ask a question which was just answered. She is a nice person though – I feel bad for being so impatient.
I partook of a very small amount of the fare, not feeling particularly uncomfortable or anxious in front of it – PROGRESS.
Now I have come home and feared, fretted, procrastinated about writing this grant application.
My thoughts: it won’t be good enough, I don’t know what the f I am doing, It won’t work out, Prof so and so will poach my trial patients (seriously – paranoia), my supervisors will think I am silly, or clingy or need my hand held…
Ok so it is good that I have just said all this. It puts it out there, and in a way, “exits” me (and makes me realise how negative I am being).
I think I might just cut myself some slack tonight. It has been a shitty day. I might just ask the Beautiful Paraguayan for some understanding and cloister myself in the office and do it during the day tomorrow.
But the good thing is – I am not eating these tired, bitchy, negative feelings. I am feeling them.