fatbum meltdown.


I am often mildly uncomfortable about the way I look.

well, yesterday, mildly uncomfortable turned into severe psychic pain. Severe fucking screaming insane agony.

I had a fat/ugly day par excellence. For example:

I went out to a Greens comedy benefit and Claire Hooper (love her) was there and I got a photo with her. I nearly deleted it because I thought my face looked too fat. While she was on stage I kept on comparing myself to her and feeling inferior.

Then at one point one of the comedians pointed me and my hubby out – he reverse heckled my hubby while calling me a “good looking girl”. My torpor was even impermeable to his compliment.

Before I went out I tried on about 12 outfits and in all of them I looked too dumpy.

It is good to write this stuff down because it is easier to see how insane it all is.

I had been doing well with the psycho stuff – this set back is par for the course. I feel a bit more normal today. Slightly.

I am getting there. Hopefully. Hoping, working for a period of time where the eating and mindset can come together in harmony. Ommmmmm.

5 responses »

  1. I really get you in this entry. I think it’s a really great skill to be able to see that if you write it down you can recognize that these thoughts are no good for you, and not truth.

    From personal experience I’d say if you keep up with recognizing these thoughts for what they are- not truth but something inside you seeking support, love, seeking approval maybe? Then that can make it easier. You got a lot of support here 🙂 Don’t be afraid to keep posting how you feel, what you think.

  2. We are all uncomfortable with how we look. I know that I am at (what I consider to be) my ideal weight and am in pretty good shape for my age, but when I look in the mirror my thoughts are usually one or many of; too much grey hair, horrible teeth, ugly eczema spots, scrawny arms etc etc. None of us are ever 100% happy, tis the human way.

  3. I’ve found I’ve felt much better about myself since I’ve been reading a lot of “fatshionista” sites. There are some fantastic sites around of girls of all sizes showing off their outfits and it makes you realise that beauty isn’t about some model who is airbrushed and prolly on a very unhealthy cocktail of diet pills but is in each of us and so much more about attitude than anything.

    Do something to make yourself feel pretty and keep working on the inner stuff. It’s so much more important. And keep thinking of all the great things you accomplish with your body (eg. your run on the weekend).

  4. I’m really glad it’s not just me. I went through a stage of being STOKED with how I looked, and then slowly over time I just stopped being proud of what I’d done and started being critical and down on myself again. I seem to latch on to anything someone says that might be hinting that I’m fat (like people used to say to me when I was! That I was “womanly”, etc!) but I instantly forget compliments. It SUCKS! And it affects those around us too. The other day Tom said to me “it is a real downer for me to live in a world where my gorgeous wife thinks she’s fat” and that was a BIG wake up call for me.

    For myself I know I just need to keep up the stuff that makes me feel fabulous – running, yoga, writing, eating well, spending time with positive people – and the rest of the time see those thoughts I sometimes have for what they are – cruel, untrue and just annoying!! I’m doing my best, you’re doing your best, we all are 🙂 xxx

  5. I have wonky front teeth and despise, absolutely despise having my photo taken. Being a bridesmaid for my sister and sister-in-law over the last couple of years was the most difficult thing I have ever done A) having people look at me and B) having to do the photo’s, the anxiety was crippling.

    I’ve gone into moods lasting days over bad photos and have asked many friends to remove facebook photos of me too.

    I think I look fine, but I happen to be the most unphotogenic person who ever lived.

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