It’s everywhere.

I was out and about in Williamstown today. I was alone. I was hungry. There were cafes. Delis. Fish and chip shops. Supermarkets with new yummies.

I realised something. It is overwhelming. It is no wonder overweight is such a problem. We are bombarded with food porn. It is not safely tucked away in Club X.

Do I get something (and what), and then lambast myself for the rest of the day? Do I deny myself that thing and feel anxious for the rest of the day? Find a corner to curl up in the foetal position and rock back and forth muttering “it’s everywhere. It’s ALIVE! AL-I-HI-HI-HI-HI- IIIIVE!!!”

Or do I see the feeling for what it is and just walk on past and wait for the lunch I have lovingly packed and move on. Forget about it. Find something else to think about (at work, there is no shortage of things, alas).

I am beginning to have the control over food, not it over me. It is an inanimate object. It does not talk, crooning, eeeeeat me. EEEEEAT me. I was just imagining it, all along.

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I have just watched the Britney episode of glee. LUUUUUUUUUUVED it.

I am still full of snot.

Hit with the lurgy stick

I do not get colds very often so when I do, I do it properly.

I took a day off work yesterday because I was still leaking snot all over the place and in a hospital, that is not very sanitary. Today I went to work but felt crappier than ever, had to sit through a loooooong tuesday meeting. I was completely exhausted and had to go home afterwards. The boss was sick also so we both went home and left the beautiful Paraguayan to do the work – hope she doesn’t catch it.

My throat feels like a hot poker has gone down there, and I am talking like a castrate. Not happy at all. I am feeling a bit better after a nap.

Hopefully I start feeling better soon – I do actually want to finish this 10km race, with a semi-decent time. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of Andrew. Unfortunately my running can be the first thing to suffer.

I do not have a very good appetite- I have even gone off chocolate and have not even consumed one of the chocolatier hearts we received from the Japanese Mountain retreat. I even baked a cake last night to take to work- positive proof that I must be very ill!

I do not know what I want for dinner but the first thing that springs to mind is Fish and Chips with vinegar and very cold lemonade to wash it down. Vinegar is an old nanna cure for lurgies. The viruses cannot survive in vinegar and fish and chips are an excellent vehicle for this. mmmmmmmmmm…..

sooky me says “I just want to feel better”

Snotty weekend away.

Ian arranged a little getaway for our weekend – we went to the Japanese Mountain retreat. This little (expensive) B&B is in Montrose, a very pretty part of Melbourne. They fed us a lovely Japanese dinner and we had a lovely bottle of pinot with it. We had a spa in our room looking out over a little Japanese Garden. We slept on a futon and this morning we had a hot stone massage. We are both feeling very relaxed – with one thing or another it is the first time in aaages we have both been de-stressed at the same time.

Unfortunately I have picked up Ian’s cold – I don’t normally get colds, because after a stern lecture from an infectious diseases physician, I am very careful with my hand hygiene. Ian is less careful and does not de-bug (use the hand solution) – his excuse is that he does not really lay hands on his patients, doing psychiatry and all. Unfortunately I cannot debug after contact with my hubby so here I am, the snot princess. It can really ruin a massage – lying face down on a massage table with snot dripping out. Oh well.

I feel a bit tired and achy as well as being really snotty. So no exercise.

Had another bit of a food-related epiphany this weekend- I was starting to feel guilty about the indulgences of the weekend (they were moderate and I did not over-stuff, or consume all the complimentary goodies or skoll the bottle of wine) but then I thought, no, if I am being careful generally then I must fully enjoy an indulgence, especially if it has been a moderate one. Yin and yang and all that stuff.

I really need to get the car washed. It is filthy. Might go do that now. And buy, among other things, tissues.

Feel the pain…

for it will pass.

I had a fairly stressful, hectic day at work yesterday, driving to Willi, then to Melb Uni to give a 90 minute lecture, then back to Willi for a difficult meeting with a family. I got to thinking, Gawd, this has been a crappy day, I must have a nice (calorific) restaurant dinner with mucho wine.

Then I thought – Why?

So I just felt the discomfort and told myself it would pass. And it did. I talked with my hubby, played with the dog, and the need to comfort eat passed. Just a bit of discomfort (which I would have felt anyway, one way or the other) and a bit of mindfulness. I had a restrained dinner with a small glass of wine. I don’t think I will buy any more wine this week- an open bottle is just an invite to drink on a nightly basis.

Today, a meeting with my co-supervisor for my PhD (who also happens to be a head of unit and my mentor and ex-boss) and an opportunity to ask (?beg) for a couple of consultant sessions next year. I told him that I had been courted for a job by another head of unit but I wanted to work with him. He said that he will likely have a session.

I have had a bit of a cold – just a bit – a runny nose and feeling a bit tired and achy. I have not pushed the exercise; I have instead done a bit of walking today. Mark Sisson says that your exercise should align with your energy levels. I will try and go for a run after Pilates class tomorrow.

Off to the Dandenongs tomorrow night – going to the Japanese Mountain Retreat. Hubby says it is training.

Just a mini-rant on Tony Abbott:

He is a truly nasty piece of work, single-mindedly intent on destroying the government and ignoring important issues. A sexist, racist, homophobic, bigoted bully boy.

pah!

Cilla 1 Chips 0 (till next time)

I am very proud to day during the boring weekly meeting to which the 2 skinny pretty physios bought chips (red rock deli) and barbecue shapes and timtams and hedgehog.

I only partook of a little slice of hedgehog. Reminded me of nanna (sob!) No chips. NO CHIPS! Chips are my dietary achilles heel. But I did sneak a ferrero rocher in the arvo. The problem is that yummy stuff is just so readily available. It makes it really hard. I am doing well but little bits of yummies are sneaking in here and there most days. The yummies are trending downward though.

The skinny physios scoffed themselves silly. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never, ever be one of those people who can eat what they want and stay thin. Very few people can. The good thing is that people like us appreciate the breaks when we get them, and are less complacent. Anyway that is what Haruki Murakami said. (He is the bloke that wrote the running book).

I have been trying to get in more protein and fewer grains  – the protein definitely takes the edge off the hunger. The higher protein/fat and lower carb diets are gaining credence, both in the mainstream and in the medical literature. There is even promising work on the role of a ketogenic diet to treat Alzheimers disease!

My back is really sore today. I think the step class stirred it up. I don’t know about my 65 minute goal 10km run for MM – I may just have to settle for sub 67 mins (my previous PB). I don’t know whether I will be able to get out for a long run this weekend.

It did not help that we had a punter throw himself on the ground and refuse to get up and I kept on having to bend over to ….do what I needed to do.

Anywho must go. I have to get up early in the morning – early round with the boss. Also I have to do my 90 minute lecture tomorrow. Here is hoping the jaw holds out (it has never been the same since last year’s lecture).

ciao.

P.S. the weeds (carbon offsetting) out the front are getting out of hand. I think I need to get some heavy gardening assistance.

London Calling.

I got that from a song that was played in the James Bond movie last night where the guy parachutes down onto Buckingham palace. It seems appropriate.

So, what I have decided to do with my last week of holiday that is unaccounted for is just “nip” over to London for 4 days.

Why?

• the UK is cheepcheepcheep at the moment. The flights are quite a good price. I am flying British Airways – about a grand return from hong kong. I am thinking of the frequent flyer points.
• I love London. I don’t love that they keep upping the terror threat
• I have friends there that I love to see – Darren and Siobhan.
• I want to go to the Anthropologie store.
• A good excuse to meet Philippa, who I have never met in real life but feel I know her and we have made friends on facey and she is a real sweetie.
• I want to go and do other cool things – Camden markets and ….am open to other suggestions. I might go up St Pauls Cathedral again – for the exercise and because it was COOL last time. I also want to check out the Tate modern, last time we were there in 2005, there was a Frida Kahlo exhibition, which was COOL.
• You only live once and I don’t know when I will next get there.
• Because ‘nipping’ over to London for a few days is COOL. A bit frivolous. But I could drop that much on other stuff. I prefer experience to stuff, any day.

I went for a run this morning. This was good because I was going to pike cause I got to bed late. I woke up early and went down to the yarra. It did not bode well – it started drizzling when I went out then my kidneys decided to excrete all the fluid that I was carrying around during that moment. Damn kidneys. Plus my tummy was playing up a bit. But I managed to do about 7km give or take, and at reasonable pace – averaging about 6.40 or so. My runkeeper has also decided not to work well and the ipod part kept jumping to shuffle while I was trying to listen to music.

But something is better than nothing. It is all miles in the legs.

I had a big nap this arvo – put my head down for half an hour and woke up 2.5 hours later. Must have needed it.

Scarlett – you said something about willpower vs fish and chips which got me thinking.

It did not actually take a lot of willpower. Just a bit of mindfulness. It actually takes a bit of work to go out to get f&c, and so there is some time for thoughts. I had a think about what I wanted to achieve, what I was really craving. Thought that I was just hungry rather than using mega TOM cravings as an excuse for a big blow out.

Where I really need willpower or a strong no reflex is when the stuff is readily available and in front of me and I am stressed out of my brain and tired. Like at work when the chocs are on the counter.

Willpower is no good. It needs to be habit. That is my thought for the day.

Given time, it all turns to bogan.

I did my make up class for pilates today, with the wonderful Steph, the gorgeous Californian headmistress/owner of my pilates school. I did the springboard class, and it was just what my tight arse and rest of bod needed. I even felt very ommmm when I shut my eyes to enjoy the stretch. I was going to ride my pushy to the pilates centre but my tyre which was punctured and fixed has gone flat again. So it was the car.

I went home and changed into nicer attire and even put some makeup on for going out to brunch with the Mother in Law.

At home, I just plopped on the couch and only got up to go to the dunny. I got some stuff done – my PhD application for next year (at the centre for excrement excellence, Melbourne Uni). The website shat itself multiple times but I managed to make the application. I am applying for a scholarship so I had a look at that application form. I need to tart up my CV a bit, so I looked at some websites as to how to do that.

I then made some initial enquiries about making a little “side trip” to London. I effing love London (usually I would do the full swear word but I am a Laydeee). Apart from when they warn of “imminent” terror attacks – then my scaredy cat side almost gets the better of me. There are some folk I would like to catch up with (fingers crossed) and some shops I want to visit. If I go, this will be my 4th trip to London. I want to take advantage of the piss poor pound.

I decided that my nice outfit was a bit uncomfy for the couch so I changed back into my tracky daks. So far today, they have collected dog saliva and pickled onion juice, but they are black and I figure they should be good for a few more wears before I have to wash them. The carefully applied eye makeup has turned to smudge. The posh dinner out has gone out the window.

I love my tracky daks and there are some days when all I want to do is wear them. So much so that I have been known to almost renege on party invitations because I didn’t want to/ couldn’t be bothered getting out of my tracky daks.

I have been trying to follow Lilli’s lead and make a bit more of an effort – but you can take the girl out of Werribee, you can’t take the Werribee out of the girl.

I had a craving for fish and chips (thankyou, Shauna’s last blog post)- it is approaching that TOM, but I went to the shops and got some semi-healthy food instead. I was also hanging out for pickled onions which I had – my husband will not be wanting to share the room with me tonight. I have also cleared out the freezer of little bits of chicken wings etc which I am cooking up for dinner too. I am even having some bread. I have gone off bread as a rule  – breaking it only for the bread and related tasties that I really like (eg Dench croissants).

Tomorrow I am planning a long run (10km) if it is fine and a step class if it is rainy. Howzat for a contingency plan?

I think I will watch Amelie tonight. On the couch. In my tracky daks. I am sure Amelie would not mind.

Sunshine,

on my shoulderrrrrs, makes me happeeeeeeee….

where the eff is Spring, already?

After a little tease of sunshine this morning, it was freeeezzing this arvo.

I am feeling a bit better now, compared with the last post. I went to see the headshrinker lady, who is a tough one, she doesn’t namby pamby and she pushes me out of my comfort zone.

I need to learn the power of no.

What will happen if I say no to the chocky on the nurses station desk? The chips? Even if I am stressed out of my brains or tired. Will it kill me?

No. So simple, why have I not thought of it before, hmm?

I need to practice saying no. She thinks that if I practice it, it will become easy. I do hope so.

Tomorrow, I have an old school friend coming over for dinner, with his wife and two little kiddies. I do hope the dog is on her best behaviour.

I also aim to do the 30 day shred workout tomorrow morning. My hubby has a laugh at me and the dog takes the opportunity to lick my face when I am down doing sit ups. Nothing is sacred to the dog. Nothing.

No. (just practicing)

fatbum meltdown.

I am often mildly uncomfortable about the way I look.

well, yesterday, mildly uncomfortable turned into severe psychic pain. Severe fucking screaming insane agony.

I had a fat/ugly day par excellence. For example:

I went out to a Greens comedy benefit and Claire Hooper (love her) was there and I got a photo with her. I nearly deleted it because I thought my face looked too fat. While she was on stage I kept on comparing myself to her and feeling inferior.

Then at one point one of the comedians pointed me and my hubby out – he reverse heckled my hubby while calling me a “good looking girl”. My torpor was even impermeable to his compliment.

Before I went out I tried on about 12 outfits and in all of them I looked too dumpy.

It is good to write this stuff down because it is easier to see how insane it all is.

I had been doing well with the psycho stuff – this set back is par for the course. I feel a bit more normal today. Slightly.

I am getting there. Hopefully. Hoping, working for a period of time where the eating and mindset can come together in harmony. Ommmmmm.

Smile like you mean it – SIS 1 8.5km- 1 hour 35 sec.

This is very hard to do when you are breathless and hurting. You are told to relax your face so as to conserve energy.

But what I love during a fun run is this – high fiving the spectators and race marshalls. They gave me a cheer ; “you’re doing well” and “that’s the spirit”. It makes me smile. There was a bit of a bastard of a hill in the middle and I was hurting, but I high fived some spectators and I hit the top of the hill with a genuine smile on my face.

God bless the race marshalls and the speccys.

Re: the race itself – I think I went out a bit hard . Insofar as I jostled quite a few people out of the way. Why why why do people insist on walking from the beginning, 2 abreast, and not stay right up the back? They are just begging for a hip and shoulder!

I had a good time – I cheered people on who were struggling, tried to sing a few lines of my favourite songs playing on my ipod (not that I could get out more than a couple of words). I berated some folk who thought that while a fun run was in progress would be a good time to ride their bikes on the track. Well, I berated them as much as somebody who is huffing hard could. They probably just laughed at me. (“This is a FUN run people, get off the track!!!”)

An evil finish – the final stretch was the long incline (wooden bridge) up to Birrarung Marr. There was this girl (taller and thinner than me) who I had been gaining on the whole race who I just beat at the very end – I did a magnificent sprint finish, can’t wait for the photo. The best finishes are when you want to chuck up on the finishing line – that is when the tank is empty.

I found I had to slow down after the first couple of km – I think this is because I have been training on the tready with faster speeds but for less time. My body had forgotten how to do a long run, in fact the last run I did of similar distance was the 10km at run melb – a back injury, sore tight muscles and perhaps a little laziness have precluded longer runs recently. Unfortunately a negative split was not achieved.

I averaged 7 min kms – some faster, some much slower (eg the ones with hills – need some hill training). I have a bit of work to do before Melb Mara but I have shoved the monkey off my back so that is the main thing. A good, consistent long run per week in the interim should do the trick. So should good nutrition and some Jillian Michaels fitness dvd action during the week.

I am happy with my effort today – it was a good training run and I enjoyed it. This is the main thing.

I did not see Scarlett there, nor did I see any other folk I knew.

I really appreciated hubby’s presence – he rubbed my back, held my bag and was generally very supportive but he missed my magnificent sprint finish. Dang.

We had Grill’d hamburgers for lunch and shared a small serve of chips. Chips are my weakness. I have never met a chip I didn’t like. Except for the big one on my shoulder, sometimes. 😉

I got some little cupcakes to take away (from, you guessed it, Little Cupcakes) which managed to survive the tram journey home. I like the mini cupcakes – I have 2 or 3 which is similar to 1 large one and you get different flavours and there is a more favourable icing to cupcake ratio.

Having had a big lunch, I only want a small dinner. I think I am onto something with the big lunch small dinner thing.