That little secret….was a bit ashamed about it?
I will ‘fess up here, even though I feel uncomfortable doing so. But I think some of my readers will be able to identify with what I have said, and if it helps them, good.
While listening to Shauna’s podcast on intuitive eating, emotional from 3 wines drank because I was pissed off with my sister, it hit me.
The war in my head is ongoing, stronger than ever. The love of food, but the fear of it – wanting to go out to a nice restaurant but fearful I will binge. Then bingeing on food and drink, flopping into bed, waking up at 3am feeling sick. Angry with myself. Guilty.
I have realised: just because it is in a classy restaurant rather than in front of the telly in my trackies scoffing chips and cadbury’s, doesn’t mean it is not a binge. Heck, it would be cheaper if it were a cadbury block.
The fear of the party spread – not being able to stand at the table calmly. I either have to eat until stuffed or stand out of sight of the table. So I eat until stuff. Angry. Bloated. Guilty. Sugar crash.
The compulsion to eat the cake / lollies / chocolates at work, because I fear that if I don’t have them I will miss out. I eat them, regardless of whether I am hungry or full. Then I have some more. Because if some is good, more is better, right?
The habit of the glass of wine (or two) with dinner each night, borne of the underlying belief that “if it doesn’t have wine, then it is not a proper meal”. The open bottle of wine that can’t just be left alone. And I know that regular wine messes with my mood. Other people can handle it, but unfortunately not me, and I need to act accordingly.
I feel deprived all of the time, but in actual fact I find it very difficult to deny myself anything.
I constantly think about food. Or my weight. I obsess.
My meals are great, if only I could stay at home all the time. Life doesn’t work that way unfortunately.
It is all the above that keeps me overweight. I have tried throwing out the scales. Tried (shallow) self-acceptance speeches. It still gnaws at me. I joke “gotta have one neurosis”. But why? I deserve to be free of major neuroses!
So I am going to attack the problem where it lies. In my head. I can’t do it alone. I need help – so I saw a psychologist. Fessed up.
I have had plenty of opportunity to binge this weekend, but have not. Good first steps, but I expect to go back and forward a bit. I have made the first, most important step.
In other, lighter news: 10km run with shells. It was not at a completely comfortable pace for me, but I kept it up. Despite fricking blisters.
Went to art class, but did not finish Giuliana – she will need some more work from home, I think.
A nice, moderate dinner at seamstress, I feel full (elegantly, not fit to burst). Only had a glass of champers and a glass and a half of wine. Then went and saw the movie Animal Kingdom. Brilliant, but tense film. Brilliantly played, especially Ben Mendelsohn.