A Moratorium

On spending.

That is right, you heard it. I have discussed this with my hubby. I plan not to buy any clothes, shoes, books or any other “stuff” other than what I can buy at the supermarket or at a fabric shop to “make”. For at least a month, maybe two or three. Why?

Because I already have too much stuff. Stuff will not make me happier.

I have been secretly looking at couture porn – perving and salivating over clothes and shoes. Like real porn, it is secretive, solitary, stress relieving and may end up getting me in trouble with my spouse.

There are many things to distract me, things such as:

• Reading: I have borrowed/procured some books from people: What I talk about when I talk about running, by Haruki Murakami; The Slap, by Christos Tsolikas; On the Road, by Jack Kerouac; Birds Without Wings, by Louis de Bernieres; The Primal Blueprint, by Mark Sisson and a frivolous one by Janet Evanovich.
• Artwork – I have many Ideas…
• Exercise – one of my friends/colleagues has joined my gym, and we can now go together.
• Talking with my spouse.
• Making up outfits – I have stacks of clothes. Dressing is an art in itself and I am happy to report that I have dressed impeccably this week and I am feeling good in myself. Maybe blogging these?
• The homework set by my psychologist
• Research stuff – It has been hard to do this with my current job.
• Thinking happy/optimistic/sexy thoughts.

I have been out to a barbecue today – held by a junior colleague called Fong. Fong, a little Chinese-Malaysian doctor, has a great sense of humour and a most endearing way of massacaring the English language. He also has some mean barbecuing skills. It was good to see some of my gen med colleagues outside of work – they are pleasant people. I have eaten far too many sausages though. Sausages rock. I will not be having any dinner.

I may or may not do the sri C race tomorrow – the weather will be schiessenhausen. Then we will go to the gallery to see the European Masters. I have my outfit all sorted out. 😀

Oooh, oooh, I forgot – I booked tickets to Mary Poppins! I love Mary Poppins! Yaaaaay!

A shameful confession….

I’ve cheated.

On my hairdresser.

Gawd, I feel guilty.

Portia at Rokk Ebony was away, so I was “conned” into seeing Giovanni, and the colourist was some big weird guy who didn’t make my hair as reddy as I wanted it. Giovanni was good but not as good as Portia. I had a little strut around after the haircut, but not nearly as pronounced a strut as with my last haircut.

That’ll learn me.

I have had a week (almost) of dressing fabulously, thanks mostly to Lillipilli and my wardrobe audit. I had multiple compliments on my outfit today. I rocked the knee length shorts with stockings, mary janes and jacket. Very smart and cute. Like me 😀

A round with evil boss #2 tomorrow. Was planning on being sick, but my resident has beat me to the chase so I will just have to rock up and SUCKITIN.

A colleague/friend of mine has just joined my gym. I asked her what goals she had and she said that she would like to be able to run around Princes Park. I told her that she can TOTALLY do that, and gave her some newbie running tips. I got a text from her that afternoon, thrilled that she had done 4km on the tready in 30 minutes. I was happy.

I have been spending a bit of money lately. I might do a “six week save”. I have lots of stuff and don’t need any more. I will just have to stay off internet shopping. Just. Stay. Away. (Although should do a flurry before, maybe?)

Grim determination to be SUNNY

I have heard of this therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT. Basically, like a kind of zen Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Where CBT aims to challenge and replace thoughts, ACT allows you to accept your thought as a passing phenomenon and maybe gently change the subject.

eg, this week, in the car, on the way to work

“God, I am going to have a shit day at work”

CBT response: What evidence do I have that I will have a shit day at work?

ACT response: Yes, I may have a shit day at work, and work with shitty shitty people, but I will be going home in 9 hours and with any luck it will go fast and then I get to see my husband and do internet window browsing.

And then I got to work and was in quite a good mood.

Boss #2 was at her evil best. We had a conversation that consisted of her bleating at me “You don’t understand…” blah blah blah. I weakly tried to make my point. But I kept my cool. And said nothing much. Plus I had to deal with other very painful people today, and was very patient (uncharacteristically so, in fact).

I went and bought myself a cheeky little lippy – my other favourite lippy had run out. I had to do some hunting, as the previous lippy was discontinued. I settled on a revlon lippy called “sienna”. I love lippy – maximal oomph with little effort. Mascara does not have that time/vavoom ratio.

I got a nasty surprise when I tried to buy stuff from anthropologie – for $200 bucks worth of stuff, it was $90 postage! No fecking way – would rather buy locally, with local brands!

Eating-wise, I have had a good couple of days, but I overate a bit at dinner and am a bit overfull. I will be going for some exercise tomorrow morning, though.

I think I might get an early night.

Addit 2143: I have been etsy-ing. I bought a little waistcoat from myblackdress. I want an leather obi. Black? Brown? Which? Both?

Stylespiration (and a bit of perving)

Ok, I have had one day of the weekend to fortify myself and ENOUGH with my whiny blog posts (for the moment, anyway).

There is one thing that reliably puts me in a good mood, and that is fashion: the looking, the stalking, the buying. The major exception being trying on numerous jeans and pants and flying into a rage and subsequent sulk.

If it is possible to fall in love with a website, I think I have:

1. Frocks and Frou Frou

By the lovely Miss Lillipilli. Most of the fashion blogs about show skinny minnies wearing outrageously expensive clothes. Not F&FF – cheap pieces, masterfully combined on a curvy figure, with gorgeous pics. Dynamite.

In response to this (my stylespiration), I have emptied and re-arranged my wardrobe. I have some awesome clothes in there that I have forgotten about and hardly ever wear, which is a shame (all I seem to have been doing is pining about the clothes that I bought but never fit into). I have thought about some new outfits and written them down and pinned them to the wardrobe door. Hopefully this would ward of the “closet jammed with clothes, not a thing to wear” rut. It has also made me aware of what additions I can make.

2. Anthropologie

A colleague of mine always wears interesting outfits, and she gets them from this American store. Beautiful, interesting, artistic – just like me (on a good day). I will have a think then a splurge.

I have also borrowed some books from a friend:

“What I talk about when I talk about running” by Haruki Murakami and “Birds without wings” by Louis De Bernieres. Something other than diet books.

Had a lovely day with hubby yesterday – we went for a swim in the wuss pool together. The only issue was the water was not as clear as it has been. A few stray bandaids. EEEwwwww.  I tried to do lots of backstroke so I didn’t see them.

One thing I feel the need to talk about is how very Empowering the pool changerooms are. Intriguing? Then read on.

It is the first place I feel comfortable to “nude-up” in front of other people. The strange thing is, though there are lots of very fine female specimens in there, I don’t feel inferior. I dunno why – maybe it is the feeling that we all have dimples, bulgy bits and stray pubes that we don’t like.

I would love to be able to say to some of these women “nice body”, like I would compliment a person’s shoes. Who knows, it may help with whatever body issues they have. But that may come off as inappropriate (not to mention the risk of getting myself banned from the gym). So I just try and send out happy vibes.

Off to Step class (happy-robics) and then brunch with Amy and Mel. I have my outfit all planned. 🙂

Clawing my way back….

It was a difficult start to the week and I have taken things all a bit personally. I have been a bit down on myself: too bossy, too outspoken, too fat, too emotional, too grumpy, spend too much. Yes too fat. It sounds harsh when typed out, so it is good to type it out. It helps me see things clearer.

I have made peace with the first boss – we had a bit of a chat, actually at her instigation. Apparently, my irritation with her has been obvious at times. I am shit at hiding what I really feel, try as I might to hide them. She wants me to tell her if I am cross (nicely, of course) and she said she would try and back off on me a bit. We are getting along much better now, and it is pleasant. However, the state of the workplace is distressing; without giving away too much it is grossly overstretched. I also find it frustrating when dealing with families of punters who don’t care for them – again, without giving too much away. It is all getting to me a bit. The sessions with the psychologist may be stirring things up a bit too.

I have had the arvo off – I went for a swim. I was not able to go in the wuss pool as it was full of kids having swimming lessons, so I went in the outdoor pool. It was quite warm; a bit cold when I first got in, and then I held myself to 10 laps. Usually by that stage I am enjoying my swim so I got to about 16 and then went and had a nice spa. I am feeling quite a bit better now, but I have cringed at the sight of myself in bathers. I don’t know whether I have put on weight or seeing myself in a bad light. I just don’t know. I have been told not to get on the scales for a few weeks.

I have gone and bought myself a nice funny novel to read (Janet Evanovich), and there is a big bang theory marathon on tonight. This should perk me up. And then, of course, there is the weekend.

P.S. My official time for the Run Melb 10km was 1:08:03.

Baaaarrrgggghhh! 2 of them!!!

Overbearing bosses, that is.

Today I had proof that no good deed goes unpunished.

I agreed to take over some of  another person’s work, and had spent friday afternoon doing the same. I reported the other overbearing boss (the one only a year ahead of me) that afternoon with the outcome of my assessments. She seemed quite satisfied at the time.

This morning, I got told that if I didn’t want to do the assessments, then I should tell her and that I didn’t seem very interested in her patients. I had told her that I did them as soon as I could and that, with respect, they had plans now where before there were none. There was a bit of arguing back and forth, with me asking her to talk to me more nicely, to which she replied “I will talk to you like a consultant talks to a registrar”.

My response was very nearly “oh, get fucked”. I bit my tongue and instead replied “excuse me, you are only a year ahead of me”.

I will do anything that anyone asks of me, and work as hard as I need to, but not if I am going to be given a hard time about it.

That exchange has upset me, so much that I nearly went and ate fish and chips for lunch. It smelled good. But I had a chicken and salad sandwich. Go me, I fecking rock.

Biatch.

I am also tired of the way they both throw their weight around, not only with me, but with the nursing and other staff. It makes me cringe sometimes, the way they talk. It has made me look at how I talk to other staff and be super nice to them.

I have decided that I am going to have a talk to one of the senior consultants – would rather things come from me than others. The senior consultants are more respectful.

I am a bit upset tonight but I will do pilates rather than eat and drink merry. It is a test.

My other rant for the day (nearly eclipsed by the rant above) with my intern colleague who also did the race, was about all the slowies starting up the front. We decided that people who only can or only intend to run 3km should probably a. not enter a 10km race and b. if they are gunna, then they should start up the goddamn back. This may be controversial but there are some out there who agree, I am sure!

P.S. I am not going to pilates tonight. I am going to stay at home with hubby cause I am too stiff and I want to debrief or “download” to hubby.

P.P.S. Cutler and Co was fantastic. A very lovely chocolatey dessert, which I left room for by not finishing the main course.

addit 2025: I ate the lollies. They were there and I wanted them.

Run Melbourne 10km ?67:XX

It dawned a beautiful winter morning in Melbourne, about as good as it gets in winter (but true to form, it is now pissing it down).

I felt really pumped this morning, really looking forward to the run. Ian took me to Fed Square and I met up with Shells. We did some warm-up aerobics, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I tried to win the Mizuno shoes with my wild booty shaking but I was not close enough to the stage.

We had to wait a good half hour at the start line to actually start. We saw Alison and Bernie shuffle through the halfway mark of the half marathon, and we went berserk cheering for them.

Anywho, we were the last pack to start. Shells shot off, while I shuffled along at my own pace. I was passed a lot before 3km, but after that, I picked off a lot of people who decided to go out fast then walk. I had to hip and shoulder through a few groups of folk who wanted to walk two and three abreast on narrow paths.

I got to 8km in record time (for me) but the hills started to wear me out a bit and I even needed to walk a few steps up some of the final hills, esp that small steep one at Wellington st.

I sprinted the last 400 metres or so and finished in about the time above.

All of my kilometres were sub-7mins, mostly in the 6:40 area. Which is good, because about 6 weeks ago we were doing 7:30kms.

I did not wear my orthotics, so I had a bit of arseritis afterwards (but no blisters). I had some stomach troubles afterward as well. I think I left it a bit long to eat because I suffered from some hypoglycaemia. I ended up having french fries and sour snakes for lunch because that was all I could stomach. I also had some asthma after the event; I was trying very hard to huck up a lung.

Saw Wombat, Bernie, Alison, Tony, Andrew and Kat afterwards at transport, always good to catch up with the crew.

This afternoon, got a butt massage (and tiger balm application) from the hubby, and had a snooze thereafter. Off to Cutler and Co (restaurant) for dinner, should be aaamazing.

Re-jigging my Qi

Honing my zen, getting my mojo.

I have had the most restful Saturday in a long while.

I had my home-made toasted muesli for breakky, did some chores and went off to the pool. The wuss pool was full of kids doing swimming lessons so I had to go in the big outdoor pool. It was not so bad; it was a lovely sunny day and it was good to look up at the big blue sky while doing my backstroke.

I have a little secret: I have been wanting to try a triathlon for a while, but the limiting factor is that I have not had a bike and was not that good at freestyle and of course the fact that I am sloooooow.

I am doing triathlons now, just not all in one go! But the freestyle remains a problem. Specifically I can’t do it for the 50m stretch of the outdoor pool. I don’t know why. If I go one breath for two strokes, then that gives me a stitch (probably because my body goes into a jackknife shape, which is not very efficient). If I go one breath for four strokes, then I lose my breath.

So I took the same approach that I did when I first started running. Go slow and focus on technique.

So I went slow and made sure my arms were stretched out when I did the stroke. I found that if I went slower, I was able to last the whole 4 strokes.

I did good, I did a few laps of freestyle (all of which I had to stop and re-arrange myself mid-lap).

I am glad I did this exercise, because it is very relaxing. I even had a little snooze after lunch.

The relaxation is very much needed, as I have a second fusspot boss to contend with. She is only one year senior to me and I sense that she gets very “bogged down” in detail. She has asked me to look after a few of the patients (her registrar if off on exam leave soon) and I have agreed. I got a text later in the arvo saying that she was “worried about the patients I had taken over” and could I call her when I had seen them so she could “stop worrying for the weekend”. Now I took that as more of a reflection of her anxious (tightarse) nature than my skills, so I resisted the temptation to tell her to chill the f*** out. I called her back with my plans and she was mollified. She is a bit of a namby-pamby  person too; I don’t think she liked me calling one of the punters a “cantankerous old bugger” who I managed to make get out of bed (bed is a dangerous place, trust me) by “shouting”. My methods are unconventional and at times controversial, but they usually work. Besides, my grandpappy was a cantankerous old bugger so I consider myself expert in cantankerous communication.

Further proof of the truism: “no good deed goes unpunished”.

Tonight – lovely steak, kipflers and tatsoi salad

Tomorrow – run melbourne. I just want to have a good run. The plan is to start out slow then go go go. Like a tigress. Like I ran on my 30th birthday.

As an afterthought, a big pat on the back and virtual hug for Shauna who has been very brave documenting…..just read her post.

The dog is being quite verbose today, with barks, growls and whimpers. I don’t know what what her caper is. She thinks she’s people.

Soggy eyeballs.

I went again to the psych today.

I learned something: I am quite comfortable with anger as an emotion, but it is sadness that I find difficult.

So I have talked about sad things and felt appropriately sad (this sounds like a stupid thing to say, but having the feeling to go with the talk represents progress). And yes, my eyeballs have been leaky. So I can slowly express sadness, and, with it, I feel less compelled to overeat. Funny, that.

This lady is good.

My eating achievements in the last few weeks have been as follows:

• I did not eat all the chips
• I did not guts myself at Seamstress, nor subsequently at the cinema
• I am mainly just eating when I am hungry, and stopping when I am full
• I have left chocolate and cake in the fridge, and an open bottle of wine in the cupboard, without feeling the need to demolish any of it. Because I have learned that it will still be there tomorrow, and not have spontaneously combusted.
• I am eating what I really feel like and not feeling guilty. For example, today, I wanted a hamburger. I do not know why. I went to a cafe for lunch and they had a hamburger (actually 2 rissoles in a bread roll with bacon and cheese and salad). I passed on the chips. I felt fantastic after because it was exactly what I wanted. I was content with a bowl of soup and a roll  and a bit of cheese for dinner. Balance.
• I have only counted calories a few times in the last fortnight or so.
• I have not weighed myself. (Ok I haven’t done this because I am a bit frightened to, but the psych lady has advised me to lay off for a few weeks)

16:20

That is about the time I ran on the tready this evening, in bits. Was a pretty fast one, too. The reasons why I did not run longer were:

• I had the piddles. I can’t run when I feel piddly. I need to empty the bladder.
• I had the bloaties (should know not to eat fruit other than bananas before a run, that’ll learn me)
• I was hungry
• The gym was full (plus the guy on the tready next to me reeked of smoke – WTF is with that? Give up smoking and the gym and the heart/lungs will be even stevens  and it will be cheaper to boot)
• My arse-ritis was flaring up. Also had niggles in my shin, ankle, foot and hip flexor.

So I really need to go in the morning. Luckily the 0745 rubbish is going to end in a few weeks.

I had a good day at work, largely because the boss was off sick. She will be off sick tomorrow too. I sent her a little text message telling her to get well soon. Because, when she is not acting bossy, we get along very well. We worked together as registrars and got along well then. Sort of a watered down love-hate relationship.

I have been quite ok, diet wise. I have not eaten the rest of the chocolate cake (a third butter, a third sugar, a third chocolate and a little bit of hazelnut meal – 110% yummy). Only thing was, when I transferred it off the platter into some foil, some of the crumbs fell off and I had to eat them, because everyone knows that the calories leak out when the cake/biccies/chocky/chips are broken 😀

The dog is sitting on my feet in front of the heater. It is her favourite position, apart from on the couch between us. Cheeky dog.

P.S. I just checked out my calories today – I am eating too many nuts. Plus I ate a shirtload of fruit today. I need to tone it down a bit. But I was huuuungry today! I really was! Physically hungry! Or so I think. How do I deal with this?