I have completely lacked mojo today. It all started OK – went to pilates early this morning, had some brekky, got to work (albeit a bit late). Was in a funk. Terrified when my pager went off, an outside call, anxious that I would have a screaming family member on the other end. It wasn’t.
Suggested that my ressie and I went out for coffee – we did, ate half a vanilla slice (was nice) and I felt a bit better, for an hour or so…Then dragged myself around, tired. When we went down for lunch, I said – I need a nap. So I did (there is a meeting room with a hospital bed in it). Woken up 40 mins later – boss was there for round, dragged my carcass through that, hungry cos I’d missed lunch but trying to be confident and sound like I knew what I was talking about. Went to the meeting, chaired it but lost the plot 2/3 through because of my pounding headache. So I called a break, said I didn’t feel well, and I got sent home because I must have looked not well. Was hungry. Decided what I needed was a Maccas thickshake and some fries (small and small) and an easter egg (small too). Ate them, went home and fell asleep. Missed running training, wouldn’t have been up to it anyway, particularly a 4km time trial. I feel guilty that I am not up to it.
Hubby wants fish and chips tonight, I have relented. We will walk the dog afterward.
Just don’t know what is wrong with me today. I feel silly, a bit useless and bad that I have eaten crap today. I need to shake out of it. It is one day. And why I feel a bit useless, I don’t know. Seems a bit extreme. Probably not actually accurate thinking (CBT training coming through here).
I still feel fat. Just yesterday, I was looking at the mirror and thinking “I don’t look half-bad”. Yet, my BMI (73kg for 165cm) is in the overweight range. I need to put my scales where I can’t weigh myself most days. It fucks with my head.
Might go for a session on the x-trainer tomorrow with a sing-along to my favourite songs. Spend quality time with the hound and the hubby tonight.
OK so I need to do a reality check. Need to put the expensive psychology sessions into good use. The only thing is I feel like I am bragging and my mother taught me never to brag.
- I have a responsible job which is stressful. I don’t have to be perfect and motivated all the time. I am allowed to feel drained and need to nurture myself.
- I do not have to be 100% on top of my game all the time. I am not inferior because I cannot muster this.
- I am doing fine at work and fine is good enough. My boss seems happy, I do not need to be reliant on people lavishing me with praise. He is paid to add to my management, and requiring his input does not mean I am doing a bad job.
- Yes the numbers may say I am overweight but I have lost 5kg recently. Slowly. This is good. My weight may go down gradually. If I can jog the better part of 22km, I am fitter than most.
- I am not lazy and unmotivated. I just feel this way occasionally.
Feel marginally better now.